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3 Best Pirate Adventures

Pirate Book Review

Lots of delicious pirate cupcakes

Traditional pirate adventures might involve finding a buried treasure or instigating a mutiny or trying to discover the cure for scurvy.

Or so history would lead us to believe.

But the truth is, real pirates had far greater, dare I saw more awkward, adventures.

1. Pirates Discovering a Mermaid

While most pirates pretended to be in the pirate game for the money, it’s well known (source pending) that they all truly became pirates in hopes of one day meeting a mermaid.

(Manatees need not apply.)

This is also a useful thing to know when dueling with a pirate, given that shouting, “hey, look at that rather attractive mermaid sunning herself behind you!” is always guaranteed to have the pirate turning around.

This will give you just enough time to jump overboard and swim to safety.

(Before employing such a maneuver, please first verify you know how to swim.)

(Or have a handy supply of floaties.)

Awkward Pirate Recommended Reading

A single delicious pirate cupcake

2. Pirates Staging an On-Ship Production of The Pirates of Penzance

Deep within every pirate, there is an actor.

And deep within every actor, there is a love of Gilbert and Sullivan.

And deep within every Gilbert and Sullivan lover, there is an adoration of tenderhearted pirates.

And thus the circle continues.

Until the play is interrupted by cannon-fire from your pirate archenemy.

Then there’ll be an extended intermission.

Which can be quite a relief, ’cause comic operas can last quite a bit.

Awkward Pirate Recommended Reading

Delicious pirate cupcake, the aftermath

3. Pirates Finding a Laminated Copy of the Odyssey

Within buried treasure there’s a hierarchy of booty.

For example, everyone wants to find a crown.

‘Cause crowns are cool.

But nobody wants to find a scepter.

‘Cause scepters seem cool at first.

But after a good twenty minutes, you’ve run out of people to beat and places to pound them in emphasis.

Yet the greatest buried treasure find is a laminated copy of Homer’s The Odyssey.

Pirates can easily relate to Odysseus’ trials and tribulations and really need a good story to get into during those non-windy lulls.

The lamination requirement has arisen ever since it became pirate tradition to throw grog on any pirate found reading.

  Awkward Pirate Book Review

This list was provided as enticement to read The Pirates! in an Adventure with Napoleon by Gideon Defoe.

I mainly purchased the book because of the author’s description on the back flap, but I finally got around to reading it this weekend and I truly can’t express how hilarious it is.

But I shall try, through quoting a giant squid suicide note.

To whom it may concern,

I cannot go on any longer. I know people think us giant squids are just unfathomable monsters of the deep, but we have feelings too. And it is time the world learned the terrible truth. For several years now the Pirate Captain and I have been carrying on an illicit affair. Many times I have asked the Pirate Captain to do right by me, but he refuses, always telling me that he cannot be seen having a relationship with a giant squid because of the harm it would do to his public image. Also, sometimes he hits me. Anyhow, just yesterday I discovered I was pregnant with the Pirate Captain’s secret love child! I told the Pirate Captain about this and he flew into a rage and said he would never help support his half-squid/half-pirate progeny and then he hit me some more. So now I am going to commit suicide by beaching myself. 

Goodbye, cruel world

The Giant Squid

Awkward Pirate Recommended Reading



26 Goals - Read 26 Books

I, having recently lost my sanity, have decided to accomplish a series of “26 Goals” before my birthday on 12.9.2012. One of said goals is to read 26 books. Pirates! in an Adventure with Napoleon retroactively counts as the first book. ‘Cause I said so, that’s why.

{ 17 comments… add one }

  • Maureen January 29, 2012, 12:37 pm

    If nothing else, this post has left me with a hunger for delicious pirate cupcakes. I also kind of want to read Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists. And also the Communists one.

  • Nami January 29, 2012, 2:03 pm

    Forget the cupcakes – what about Calamari?! Who thought pirates and boobified seals could foster such an appetite! Chips AHOY.

  • nursemyra January 29, 2012, 3:53 pm

    He also wrote a book called How Animals Have Sex which I read a couple of years ago. you might like to hunt that one down too

  • Jo January 29, 2012, 10:36 pm

    Somebody hit me with a scepter and took my cupcake. I’d like to file a complaint, please.

  • Kari @ bite-sized thoughts January 30, 2012, 6:40 am

    I think we need more pirate posts. I’m glad you’re filling that niche in the market!

  • Anonymous January 30, 2012, 10:40 am

    That aftermath is pretty scary.
    I’d expect the odd eye-patch or hook hand, but a full body peg-lag? Brutal.

    • SpilledInkGuy January 30, 2012, 10:41 am

      And this is why I should fill out the entire form before clicking ‘submit’.

  • John January 30, 2012, 11:11 am

    Wait – I’ve yet to run out of people to hit with my scepter. And it’s been years.

    The very, very first show that I ever was a part of was the HMS Pinafore . . . I know the singsong pirates well.

  • Mindee@ourfrontdoor January 30, 2012, 11:18 am

    This post was deeply convoluted.
    I loved it.

  • Misty January 30, 2012, 11:36 am

    You forgot one very important ingredient of the reasons why you should become a pirate . . .

    Eyepatches. Everyone looks cool with an eyepatch, but it is not seen as “normal” in modern society to go around wearing one, unless you have been stabbed in the eye or something. However, being a pirate gives you free reign to walk around in a super cool eyepatch. See?

  • Lauren January 30, 2012, 1:25 pm

    Did you ever see the Mythbusters that debunked (or not) Pirate myths? Probably not since you’re not mom to a 12 year old boy. Or married to his father. My favorite was the eyepatch myth (waving at Misty!) where they determined that Pirates wore the eyepatch to help them see better when they suddenly had to go below ships. Likely in search of more rum. Which leads us to my favorite line in Pirates of the Caribbean, part 1, “Why is the rum gone?”

  • julie gardner January 30, 2012, 4:26 pm

    I’m so going to give the (clearly prolific) Gideon Defoe a run for his money and publish this:
    The Pirates! In an Adventure with Manatees.

    Come on. You know everyone wants to read this (source pending).
    And those poor manatees aren’t getting any action on their own.


    • julie gardner January 30, 2012, 4:27 pm

      Wait a minute.
      My replies used to be automatically attributed to me.

      I guess now I have to WORK for it.

      I mean argh. Duh.

  • Jo January 30, 2012, 5:58 pm

    Not only did they take my cupcake, but I just noticed my eyepatch is gone too. (Hi Misty!) I wanna file another complaint, and plus I wanna file a complaint about how my first complaint still hasn’t been answered, and I want a replacement cupcake. Wench, what’s the holdup here? Argh.

  • Nicky January 30, 2012, 9:37 pm

    You forgot to mention the puffy shirts. Or maybe that will be the selling point for The Pirates! In an Adventure with Fashion Bloggers.

  • Classic NYer February 1, 2012, 8:34 pm

    Ooh! Cupcakes! Cupcakes!!!!!

  • Skye February 3, 2012, 11:27 am

    What about when they invented the delicious snack food Pirate’s Booty? I’d love to hear how that happened.

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