4 Rules for Avoiding Death at the Drive-In

June 6, 2012

I have a deep, unending love affair with drive-in movie theaters.

But that doesn’t make me ignorant of their dangerous lure.

Did you know that 5,483 people have been found dead at drive-in movie theaters in this past year alone?*

(Maybe.)

And I’m not saying I’m an expert at surviving drive-ins, except I’ve been twice already this year and (here’s my real credentials…) am totally still alive.

(Yes, yes, I know, quite impressive.)

So it only seems right I share my secrets with all of you, so that, one day, our children may live in a world where drive-ins are as filled with double features and funnel cakes and cars as always, but with significantly less death.

4 Rules for Avoiding Death at the Drive-In

Rule #1. Under No Circumstances Should You Walk Alone to the Restrooms

I vividly remember my first drive-in experience.

The movie: Despicable Me.

The time: night.

The problem: I had to pee.

Thoughtlessly, I left my car and followed the bright guiding lights to the bathroom. Walking backwards towards the door, desperately trying to catch every instant of the movie, I rushed in and used the facilities, rushing back out a minute later, wiping my hands on my skirt.

(Drive-ins are no time for leisurely air drying.)

It was at this point I realized I had no idea how to get back to my car.

It was only through dogged investigation, nerves of steel and pure luck that I didn’t remain lost in that parking lot until my body eventually succumbed to the inevitable exhaustion and being eaten by wolves that roam drive-ins past closing to finish off half-eaten popcorn.

Rule #2. Never Attempt the Stretch/Boob Grab Maneuver

Especially not if you’re on a date.

As much as this seems like a sure thing, make no mistake – one wrong move and you’ll be stranded at the drive-in.

And branded a fool.

Even if you’re lucky enough to be left at a non-wolf-infiltrated drive-in, and have a mom who’s willing to come and retrieve you, you don’t want to know what they’re going to say Monday at school.

(While this drive-in safety precaution seems obvious, I must admit I was aided in including it by Kati. She’s a wise one.)

Rule #3. Never Let Your Friends Lock You in the Trunk

For those of you who’ve never been to drive-ins, this rule might seem confusing.

Or if you’ve never played “how long can you hold your breath in my Toyota.”

But today we’re focused on the first danger.

Which occurs when, being naughty drive-in patrons, people hide their friends in their car’s trunk to avoid paying the per person entrance charge.

(As a side note, my dad totally used to do this when he was a teenager.)

(It’s a miracle I was even born.)

As anyone who’s seen even the smallest percentage of horror movies knows, there’s a very fine line between a group of friends having fun, breaking the rules, and watching cinematic excellence and a bloodbath.

Sure, as the one locked in the trunk you have a shot at missing the killing rampage entirely, emerging only in the final scene when the police arrive and hear your desperate thumps.

But more realistically, you’ll suffocate to death without even a plot point to your name.

Or you’ll just die in the sequel.

(This rule is brought to you by Wasn’t Serious. And feel free to tweet her for her own list of drive-in death fears – there may or may not be lasers and hot dog eating contests involved.)