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And Then I Punched A Clown In The Face (My New Year’s Resolutions)

Awkwardly Fabulous New Year's Resolutions

I love New Year’s Resolutions. And not only because they provide a month of no lines at donut shops.

Also because it’s easy to let life get out of hand and stop trying to improve.

That’s why I find it useful to make a yearly list of resolutions, goals I hope to accomplish over the coming twelve months.

Wish me luck.

*I will build a fort made entirely out of sheets and dreams*

(Other materials allowed include chairs and hopes.)

Preferably in my own home, but others’ homes will be accepted.

*I will throw a drink in someone’s face*

In my entire life, I’ve never thrown a drink in someone’s face.

This obviously needs to beย remedied.

Hopefully with me finding myself within the perfect drink throwing situation.

But if not, come December, I will attack an innocent.

*I will meet a clown*

I really, really hope he/she doesn’t try to murder me.

But we all know that’s a pretty big possibility.

*Grow my Facebook followers to 276*

At first I was going to make my goal to increase my subscribers by one.

But that would have required the effort of going to Feedburner and finding out how many subscribers I have.

And Facebook tells me in that nifty widget to the right.

Plus, I like to dream big.

#276, I know you’re out there.

And, one day, we’ll meet.

(Cue: glorious mental montage of meadow running and beach tumbling.)

*I will answer every e-mail the moment it arrives and certainly not allow everything to pile up until I eventually have thousands of unread messages and a decreased hope for the future*

This one is a lie, as I believe every New Year’s Resolution list should include one trick entry.

Oh, Mr. Email, you’ve beaten me again.

(Is what I’ll be saying in roughly six months.)

*I will only allow books I’ve actually read to grace my bookshelves*

On the bright side, this is actually super easy to accomplish.

On the even brighter side, I now look like I live in a horror movie book store.

I’m somewhat worried I’ll get behind on my list and end up frantically punching a clown on December 31st

Which makes it my first rational fear of 2012

What are your 2012 resolutions?


{ 94 comments… add one }

  • Mark January 9, 2012, 9:03 am

    I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I’ll only let myself down.
    I’ll prayer that you’re approached by a jerk this year, in a bar, and can throw a drink in his face. Please remember what I look like so if I approach you, you won’t waste your Shirley Temple.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:11 pm

      Oh, don’t worry – I’d never waste a Shirley Temple. Your drink, however, might be in danger.

      Unless you’re drinking a Shirley Temple. And then the closest stranger better watch out.

  • Allison January 9, 2012, 9:17 am

    I’m actually pretty good w my resolutions- I went skydiving, went on at least one date/month… it’s those silly ones like ‘get a real job’ and ‘find a grad program’ I’m less good at…

    And I currently have 388 unread messages in my inbox.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:12 pm

      I have over 700 in my personal email – it was only the blog email that I’ve now cleared out down to under 50.

      Inboxes make me sad.

  • Stephanie January 9, 2012, 9:22 am

    I’m not so awesome at the resolution keeping so this year I resolved to not resolve. oh and my favorite type of fort is the one from sheets and dreams ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:13 pm

      And you didn’t resolve – SUCCESS!!

      See, I knew you could do it.

  • Carrie January 9, 2012, 10:02 am

    Now, I am liking *I will meet a clown*.

    I do believe that will make some amazing material for you here. (Not that you need any, but really…I want to hear all about you meeting a clown.)

    I listed my 2 on my blog the other day:

    1. Judge people quicker simply based on the mood Iโ€™m in at that time

    2. Curse more

    And I gotta admit…so far, so good.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:13 pm

      I remember thinking your resolutions were the best.

      You know, second to mine.

      Nothing beats meeting a clown.

      Though yours are more likely to allow survival.

      So maybe we’ll call it a tie.

  • Lauren January 9, 2012, 10:09 am

    um, *not* meet a clown might be on my resolution list, but heck, I can go like you on facebook no problem. If only still + life could get up to 50 likes, or even 40, I’d be thrilled.

  • Abby January 9, 2012, 10:37 am

    #1) Be nice. (To me, and to others. But mostly to me.)
    #2) Don’t get kidney stones.
    #3) Watch less TV and write more.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:14 pm

      I plan on doing at least two of those.

      (But you’ll never know which two.)

      (Or will you?)

      (Dun dun dun.)

  • SpilledInkGuy January 9, 2012, 11:15 am

    Couch cushions of fortune are also excellent fort building materials.
    Sorry… I’m under siege at the moment and we’re running low on synonyms.
    Send for benefit.
    Or comfort.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:16 pm

      I totally would but I’m actually really bad at getting to the post office.

      You might be on your own here.

      Good luck!

      (Can I get your photos if you don’t make it? ‘Cause they’re pretty awesome.)

  • Amanda Austin January 9, 2012, 11:18 am

    I hope you punch a clown much earlier than that. Clowns are awful.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:17 pm

      From your mouth to God’s ears…

  • jen January 9, 2012, 11:25 am

    Throwing a drink in someones face, well it feels like a dream- without the sheets of course!

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:17 pm

      I just knew it would! Man, do I ever need to get on that!

  • John January 9, 2012, 11:30 am

    Mr Email is an asshole sometimes, isn’t he? And, yes, I firmly believe that Email is a “he”.

    I have a relative . . . something like a second cousin, twice removed, who was a professional clown before she retired. To the best of my knowledge, she hasn’t murdered anyone.

    I’m surprised I haven’t hard a drink thrown in my face . . . lord knows that I’ve done enough to deserve it through my lifetime. Something tells me that we might need to meet up IRL, just to make this happen.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:18 pm


      Just yes.

      (Which, if it happened, would officially make you the most exciting person to meet ever.)

      (Well, second to David Hyde Pierce.)

      (Nobody tops David Hyde Pierce.)

  • julie gardner January 9, 2012, 12:02 pm

    Here at our house, we make forts out sheets, dreams, chairs and hope all the time.

    Plus duct tape.

    Because really, most goals can’t be achieved without it.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:19 pm

      Naturally, the inclusion of duct tape is unstated by implied. Like the use of unpaid labor in construction – you know, once I fulfill my plan to steal the neighborhood children.

  • Mindee@ourfrontdoor January 9, 2012, 12:21 pm

    I love everything about this post from the observation about donut lines to the fun do-ability of the list.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:19 pm

      Hey, I wasn’t joking about donut lines. January is an unhealthy eater’s dream! Gotta enjoy it while it lasts, February comes so fast…

  • Lorrie January 9, 2012, 1:13 pm

    I love your resolutions because they are not the normal crap that everyone resolves to do! I resolve to become your facebook follower because that is one I can keep and I also know I can be successful at it.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:22 pm

      You are a fabulous, wildly successful addition.

  • Ranger January 9, 2012, 1:34 pm

    Throw a sheet over a clown, toss a drink at the clown’s head, and then punch it. Three in one – if you forgo the dreams . . . wait, this is a dream. Four in one go.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:25 pm

      Ooh, all I need is to find the local clown bar.

      Do you think that’s listed in Yelp?

  • Nicole January 9, 2012, 1:43 pm

    I once met a woman who had been to clown school and was a professional clown. When she was not in clown makeup, she was just really strange and shifty. DO NOT MEET A CLOWN. TAKE IT OFF YOUR LIST!!! DAAAANNNNGER!

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:26 pm

      Oh yes, my clown goal will probably end in tears and horror. And not just for all of you, as you attend my funeral after I’m violently murdered by a clown.

      But you know what they say about things written on the Internet – they’re like pinky swears you make will the devil and if you break them a piece of your soul dies.

      (Or something similar, I’m not great with sayings.)

  • Stephanie January 9, 2012, 1:53 pm

    Well, the good thing is that if, by chance, the clown does end up murdering you…this blog post could be the thing that leads investigators to find your clown murderer. (Forehead wipe of relief, right?)

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:27 pm

      WHew! How did you know one of my biggest murder fears is that the guilty clown goes free?

      You just get me.

  • Hutch January 9, 2012, 2:47 pm

    I’ve done the drink in a persons face and, while satisfying at the time, wasn’t really all it was cracked up to be. I think I’d find it more long-term satisfying if I made the decision sober.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:28 pm

      And that’s the brilliance of my resolutions list – when I look back upon the drink throwing, I’ll know it was a perfectly logical and, following my fort spree, required act.

  • Caroline January 9, 2012, 3:00 pm

    Very funny, Megan! I used to be a clown. You’ve now virtually met me!!

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:29 pm

      Wait, really?!

      First of all, that is fabulous.
      Second of all, tell me more!

      • Caroline January 10, 2012, 4:58 am

        Yes, really!

        I was in a clown troupe, in Sanford, NC. I was in High School there. We did community function. My outfit was yellow and red with stars. I had a tall pointy hat. I had clown make-up and ALL! I have pictures.

        Follow me on facebook – I See You Looking At Me, and I will show you a picture!!

  • Misty January 9, 2012, 3:20 pm

    Ok, ok. Fine. I’ll dress up as a clown, meet you at a bar and allow you to throw a drink in my face. OK ALREADY? Cross it off the list.

    Now, can we just go get some damn donuts already?? I’m STARVING over here. (Psst, did you figure out that my resolution is to starve myself into a better Misty? A more cranky and hungry Misty, but by golly a thinner one! Before I pass out from extreme hunger at least).

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:33 pm

      Hmm… that doesn’t sound like that much fun.

      Are you sure you don’t want to change it to having a drink thrown in your face? ‘Cause I promise you, I’d make it special.

  • Kelley January 9, 2012, 4:35 pm

    Were you born this awesome or was it a gradual thing? I laughed out loud about the absence of lines in the donut shops right now. Good point! Let’s get donuts!

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:41 pm

      You know how superheros always have this epic origin story that starts off with them having a normal day as an average joe/joess and ends with them accidentally tripping into a vat of poison/magic that grants them powers beyond human understanding while also providing them with a goal/power trip and (fingers crossed) an archenemy?

      Well, I think I need an archenemy.

      Just ’cause.

      Oh, and I was totally born exactly this awesome. Only slightly more sticky.

      p.s. For you, I’m always free.
      p.p.s. I’m also always free for donuts.
      p.p.p.s. It just seemed polite to mention you first.

  • nursemyra January 9, 2012, 4:51 pm

    Let’s go throw donuts at clowns

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:41 pm

      You’re so wise.

  • Jon January 9, 2012, 4:55 pm

    I’m already thinking about my resolutions for 2013……..

    Thanks for brightening up my day again! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:44 pm

      Whew, I can’t think that far ahead! Plus, I figure I’ll be a totally different person after my clown experience, so then I’d just have to re-resolute!

  • Vince January 9, 2012, 6:30 pm

    You should go to Italy. Women that go to Italy suddenly develop an overriding awareness of their backside and a quick draw with either a glass of wine or a slap on the face.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:45 pm

      As I have been to Italy I can only assume that my lack of drink throwing and face slapping is due to an affront on my backside.

      Oh, Italy, why must you mock me so?

      • Vince January 10, 2012, 3:55 am

        Well, it could always have been entirely your fault. If you spent you time going about Monte Casino, Herculaneum, the Uffizi and the Vatican. Next time play in the mud ;-D . Then you’ll think your rump is a Turner palette when seen in the mirror. And you’ll be like a great white hunter with the slapping opportunities.

        • Megan January 10, 2012, 9:17 am

          I knew avoiding mud playing would be my inevitable downfall.

  • Elephant's Child January 9, 2012, 6:50 pm

    Loving your list. I might adopt some of them. Or perhaps I am tooo lazy. (I think the second sentence is truer than the first).

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:47 pm

      Feel free to drink throw and fort construct away – my resolutions are open source! Though I fully understand oppressive laziness. As will all my friends and family when they receive my Christmas letter in mid-spring.

  • abby January 9, 2012, 7:20 pm

    i like the part where you will throw a drink in someone’s face, lol I’d like to do that myself, but to someone I absolutely despise.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:47 pm

      I certainly hope to despise the person, but figured it was too much to resolute. If need be, I can and will throw a drink at a friend.

      (Resolutions are very serious.)

  • Lisa ~ AutismWonderland January 9, 2012, 7:23 pm

    HA! Great list…these are all worthy resolutions.

    I have thrown a drink in someone’s face. It was great for me. He didn’t like it so much.

    And I’m #277 ๐Ÿ™‚

    Thanks for stopping by AutismWonderland ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:49 pm

      Woot – see, I’m just flying through these resolutions. Who knows, I might bump into a clown tomorrow.

      And tell me more about this drink throwing, until I live the dream myself I have to experience it vicariously through others!

  • Missy Jill (What's Going On Here!?) January 9, 2012, 7:25 pm

    I want to throw my glass in the fireplace after drinking it to the dregs.
    I want to squeeze a big, fat robin.
    I want to wear my hair as big as Dolly Parton’s all day long and see if anyone says anything.

    I’ll stick to those three for now.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:50 pm

      I had never realized it until this exact moment, but throwing my glass in the fireplace after drinking it to the dregs is my life goal.

      You’re just brilliant.

  • Jen January 9, 2012, 7:50 pm

    I have ALWAYS wanted to throw a drink in someones face. I’m almost 40 so now it’s at the REALLY inappropriate time. I’m thinking I’m going to have to wait until I’m old and senile to get away with it now.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:50 pm

      Man, I clearly need to get this done now before people start mistakenly thinking I’m mature and responsible! Bar filled with sketchy people, here I come.

  • Jo January 9, 2012, 8:28 pm

    I’ve thrown a drink in someone’s face, and it was quite satisfying….even though it was only water….it was still good.

    And the duct tape is a good idea for the fort, but don’t try to duct tape the hopes to the dreams, they don’t hold together as well as sheets and cushions do.

    And now, I want donuts. DAMNIT.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:52 pm

      You should want donuts. Donuts are delicious. And with everyone sticking to their diets, they’re quite lonely.

      And I want to hear more about this drink throwing scenario – let me throw vicariously through you!

  • Jennifer@browneyedandblessed January 9, 2012, 8:37 pm

    A friend of mine is a clown on the weekends. That’s the closest I plan on getting to one. But should you be in need of meeting one, let me know lol. I need more bookshelves because I have more books than shelves.

    My resolutions this year are to relax more and use my crockpot more. Right now my specialty is buffalo chicken dip. And while this is mighty tasty, it’s not a meal.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:53 pm

      Ooh, I’ve always wanted to buy a crockpot. But I fear I’d never actually make anything in it and then it’d go to waste. Or it’d burn down my house. Or both.

      (p.s. You have a clown hook-up? Lucky, lucky girl.)

  • Lisa @ Blithe Moments January 9, 2012, 9:43 pm

    I met an off duty clown in Bolivia once. He had taken off the costume, but still had on the makeup, wig and giant shoes. He was walking along eating a hot dog and said hello. I’m pretty sure that this means I have talked to a serial killer and survived.

    With the resolutions, I’m so with you on the email front. And yet I know it will never happen. Email management should be a compulsory school subject.

    Other resolutions are to eat more chocolate and exercise less.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:54 pm

      Those are brilliant resolutions. Though now I’m sad that whatever happens in my inevitable clown meet-up, I will never have a clown story that tops yours.


  • daisyfae January 9, 2012, 9:54 pm

    firmly in the “punch a clown after throwing a drink in his face” camp.

    it just needs to happen. pics/video a bonus…

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:55 pm

      I know! I just need to discover the underground clown bar I sense must exist.

  • Kari @ bite-sized thoughts January 9, 2012, 10:47 pm

    This post might take the prize for best post title ever ๐Ÿ™‚

    I like your last resolution. A few years ago I started sneaking books I hadn’t read, but which had sat on my To Read pile for too long, on to the bookshelves. Invariably they have stayed there and never been read. It pains me. I think I need to take them off again.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:56 pm

      Yes! And then someone comes over and inevitable focuses on that book and asks you how it is and you have to admit you haven’t read it and then you want to start babbling about how you’ve read all the other books on the shelves and you’re not some crazy illiterate girl who just enjoys touching paper and if you’re me you don’t have the gene that prevents you from saying all that and well, that never ends well.

  • Brett Minor January 9, 2012, 10:56 pm

    I rarely make resolutions. The only thing I said this year is that I wanted to be more dedicated to my writing. I am going to try to make this the year that I actually start making some money at it. It doesn’t have to be much, I just want to be able to say I am a professional.

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:57 pm

      Now that sounds like a fabulous goal.

      Good luck – I’ll be sending successful writing vibes your way!

  • Jessie Powell January 9, 2012, 11:02 pm

    Thanks for stopping by the Jester Queen. If you do punch a clown, be sure to throw your picture in his face first… I mean throw your drink in his face first and take his picture. Or something like that.

    Anyway, I clicked the ‘like’ and it says 279, so, one of your goals has come and gone already!

    • Megan January 9, 2012, 11:59 pm

      Yes! Only 4 to go. 3 if I decide to go crazy and just throw a drink in my own face.

      (Am I that lazy? I just can’t decide.)

  • alonewithcats January 9, 2012, 11:24 pm

    Your hair is really long. Like, if I were a clown and going to attack you, it would probably start with hair-pulling. You’ve been warned.

    • Megan January 10, 2012, 9:00 am

      Frick – how did you discover my one weakness?

      I’m keeping my eye on you.

  • MJ January 10, 2012, 2:27 am

    1. I never thought about shorter donut store lines at this time of year. Guess where I’m going first thing tomorrow, then?

    2. I’ve always wanted to throw a drink in someone’s face too. Would it count if I did it to my two-year-old? It’s not like she’s never thrown anything at me…

    • Megan January 10, 2012, 9:08 am

      1. It’s a beautiful, beautiful freedom.
      2. That totally counts. Go for it.

  • Kat January 10, 2012, 9:34 am

    A real clown or just a guy dressed as a clown?

  • Nami January 10, 2012, 8:18 pm

    Can the clown cover your “throw the drink in the face” resolution? That would be rather efficient if you ask me.

  • Nina B January 10, 2012, 10:23 pm

    I’m so glad I found your blog (again) because I forgot how freaking funny you are!!! Love the picture too.

    • Megan January 11, 2012, 11:38 pm

      Aw, I was so glad to find you again too. We should stop losing each other!

      (Which is similar to another resolution I’ve made this year, to stop losing my screwdriver.)

      (The tool, not the drink.)

      (Though, really, I’d prefer to lose neither.)

  • Wendys Hat January 11, 2012, 10:42 am

    Love your “lofty” goals! Remind me of why I don’t do resolutions. Makes me feel like I really accomplished a lot!

  • Kimberly January 11, 2012, 6:14 pm

    Oh how i wish that there was the perfect moment to splash someone in the face with a drink. i would make it an acidic one just so that it burned their eyes.
    That was weird.

    • Megan January 11, 2012, 11:22 pm


      That got… well, pretty intense at the end.

      You’re probably gonna want to wear a mask to that bar.

      Preferably those fancy leather ones. ‘Cause they’re pretty.

  • Karen Peterson January 12, 2012, 5:44 pm

    I’ve never thrown a drink in someone’s face either.

    I think I just found #53 for my Project 52 list…

  • Lori January 12, 2012, 11:07 pm

    *WOW* you are made of awesome, I want your new years resolutions.

  • Classic NYer January 14, 2012, 5:05 pm

    I’m not certain I agree with that drink throwing resolution… I’ve noticed that most of the time when I’m in a perfect drink throwing situation, I have before me a perfectly good glass of alcohol which I usually then decide is not worth wasting on some douchebag’s face… but I guess it’s different if you have a non-alcoholic drink beside you at all times for just such an occasion.

    • Megan January 17, 2012, 8:56 am

      Of course you don’t throw your own drink – that’s why you take the drink of someone sitting nearby! Which, if I’m lucky, would lead to yet another un-lived dream – being in a bar fight.

      • Classic NYer January 17, 2012, 1:42 pm

        I never thought of that… you know what? From now on, I’m going to make it a point to always sit down next to somebody who has ordered a super-expensive drink at a bar.

        • Megan January 17, 2012, 2:38 pm

          Oh, you’ll thank me.

          Only good can come of this.

  • Kim at Let Me Start By Saying January 26, 2012, 12:45 pm

    Please don’t go near clowns. *shudders*
    Otherwise, pretty awesome list. I don’t really have any resolutions, so I may borrow one of yours.
    Came from Finding the Funny Party.

    • Megan January 26, 2012, 1:43 pm

      Oh yes, it’s quite the terrifying prospect. But isn’t that the point of resolutions, to force you into situations that might get you killed?

  • Skye January 27, 2012, 11:06 am

    I’m still working on my resolutions, which bodes well for their chance of actually being completed this year, right?

    Oh how I miss the summer of 2007, when we actually accomplished our summer goals!

  • Kelley January 27, 2012, 3:01 pm

    I felt like I read this post before but couldn’t find my name up there. So, if this is a duplicate comment, you’ll forgive me? I think you should add one more: building a fort with Velveeta bricks. That would be awesome, right? I am SO GLAD you joined the #findingthefunny link-up. You are just the kind of funny more people need to find! I don’t often participate in those sorts of things either, but sometimes we have to make exceptions!:)

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