*I will slowly stretch open my grandmother’s toilet*
To fully understand this goal, let me share a recent conversation I had with Skye.
“I hate that new toilet seat, I’m seriously too fat for it,” I casually commented as we puttered around the kitchen.
“What?” Skye replied.
“The new toilet seat for Grandma, I’m too fat for it and it’s always freezing cold.”
“What?” Skye repeated.
“You know how when you sit down on the toilet seat the side arms are all pressed into your hips and they’re really cold and uncomfortable?” I asked.
“…no” Skye responded.
“Well, see, this is awkward, because I was joking before and assumed everyone’s hips barely fit on the toilet” I said, turning towards her.
“Yeah, I don’t touch the sides at all” Skye stated confidently.
Then an uncomfortable pause ensued.
(As an aside, don’t you hate when you share something with the assumption that it’s true for everyone and then it’s true for no one and then apparently you’re a weirdo? This has been on my mind lately because none of my friends will admit that they, too, sometimes fall down in the bathroom and pee on themselves. But that’s a whole different post.)
Now that I’ve discovered being too large for the bathroom is a personal problem, there’s only one obvious solution. I need to, over the course of the coming year, slowly push apart the seat handles until I can fit within them.
At first, I planned on doing this with my hands, but just realized that’s wasted effort – my hips will already be doing that workload.
So, basically, resolution accomplished.
I’m really good at this whole yearly goals thing
I might have to start doing it monthly,
Megan
Apparently I’m Too Fat For Toilets (Or Why I Have A New New Year’s Resolution)
{ 73 comments… read them below or add one }
That seems to happen to me all the time. I encounter a problem that I assume everyone has, but guess what it’s just me. It does make for some awkward, humorous moments, though.
hahahhahha
Could you come ride on my favorite roller coaster ride’s seats with me? I mean, seriously…could I really have gained that much girth since I was 8?
Like when Joey got felt up by his tailor at the suit shop and Chandler was all, “Uh, NO. That’s not normal.” But you’re not fat, your Grandma’s toilet is just narrowly challenged.
Ha! Narrowly challenged – I like it
There are days when I want to comment and I just can’t because you have rendered me speechless.
Like today for example.
I fully support you. Fit that toilet like a champion!!!
Its nice to see goals for yourself that increase your chance of success. Clearly you should advise others on how to set New Year’s goals that actually WORK.
I just love the way your mind works! Thanks for the laugh.
I am so confused as to why you have a toilet seat with arm rests…
Are we talking movie theater-like arm rests with cup holders?? Because this is what my mind has drawn up.
That’s exactly what I have in mind too!
And now I feel even MORE awkward!
Now I feel even more disappointed – I live in America in 2012, why doesn’t my toilet have a cup holder?!
I’m not sure whom I need to complain to, but I’m gonna look it up.
I have never, in all my life, sat upon a toilet that has arm rests.
Also? I am sure I would not fit on one of those. Very confident in fact.
If my toilet had arm rests ( which it doesn’t) I’d need a love seat toilet!
… erm.
Handles?
In other news, however, I hate foam toilet seats because they always make that relieved-sounding sigh when i stand up.
Is Skye a hoverer?!
Yes, yes she is. But don’t worry – after our conversation she went back and verified that fully sitting down, she’s no where near touching the sides. And thus, I became the vertically wide friend. (I can’t decide if this is a step up or down from party bitch. I just get too many great nicknames. They’re hard to categorize.)
party bitch is way better- and you’re not vertically wide, you just have a badonkadonk (there are seriously not enough excuses to use that word).
I am so very glad to have given that opportunity to you. And I’m glad you gave today’s post to me. ‘Cause it’s awesome.
Even though I wasn’t the recipient of Marshgammon. That wasn’t as awesome.
I only hover in public restrooms when there is visible pee on the seat or the locale is so disgusting that I fear touching it might give me a disease by osmosis. However, at my own workplace, clean enough public restrooms, and certainly my/other people’s homes? I sit!
Finally – For years I’ve been trying to manipulate a post into getting you to share your bathroom habits on the Internet. Well done, me, well done.
are your grandmother and friends hobbits because that is the only way you could be too large for a toilet seat.
I’m imagining this teeny tiny toilet seat.
Huh. That’s really weird. Because when I sit on your grandmother’s love seat handled toilet seat, my large ass fits just fine as well. I mean, it looks like someone is trying to fit 10 pounds of sausage into a 5 pound casing, but that sucker fits. I mean, it’s normal to look like I’m trying to squeeze play doh out of the bars of a jail cell, right? Cool. Cuz I wouldn’t want to be known as vertically wide or anything. THAT would be awful. Wait, what? Oops. I mean, riteous nickname, yo!
You are not alone. ‘Nuff said.
Yes, I truly think the world of you. And I mean this with all the love in the world:
THANK GOD YOU DECIDED TO NOT GO WITH PICS ON THIS POST.
The further down I read, the more nervous I was getting!!
(You’re a riot…the title alone had me screaming!)
Ha ha! I don’t like the ones that squish when you sit…the soft cushion kind…sort of makes you think you might tilt off. You are too funny!
Monthly? It would take a daily affirmation to achieve a monthly resolution for me. That’s too much resolving – but if it involves a petite toilet seat, then…yeah. I’d do it. Go Megan!
I’m distressed by the number of children’s swings that I can’t fit into. Don’t playground designers realise that the majority of the time swings are swung by big people pretending that they are still little people.
Now I’m worried about toilet seat handles. What will happen when I encounter one of those?
If it makes you feel any better, I definitely touched the sides when I used that toilet the other day. It was very cold.
Megan, don’t be silly. Just quit using Grandma’s toilet. There has to be a gas station somewhere around her place.
But just think – what if they have handles too and then I don’t fit in the gas station toilet? ‘Cause that’s gonna be like 40% more embarrassing. And 60% more germ-y.
I now hold grave concerns for how I will cope when I encounter a toilet with arm rests.
Move to Australia and you’ll find no such challenges, and also a significantly reduced likelihood of a cold seat!
I used to hate using my grandparents’ toilet after they had to add the arms! I am not the narrowest load on the planet, but many loads are wider. And that thing compressed me. Good luck on the stretching.
Yes! Okay, I am in love with you knowing what I’m talking about. And in also not fitting into that freaking toilet seat! Silly tiny toilets.
LOL You’re hilarious!!! ( i honestly don’t know how many times I’ll keep saying that) I love reading your blog posts, they never fail to make me smile xD
You’re ahead of me.
After giving birth twice, my goal is simply to make it to the bathroom in the first place.
You know.
Because Kegels are overrated.
Apparently.
You win some, you loos some.
I’m not proud of the 20 seconds it took me to get this.
That’s awesome! My grandma had a tiny toilet too.
Sandy
Silly grandmas and their tiny, tiny toilets!
Stupid tiny toilets …
I think monthly might be a good idea! I appreciate the laughs!!
Bwhaha Oh I’m sorry but that is hilarious! Thanks for the giggle:) You and I could so be friends!
Call me crazy, but I’d guess your assumption of truth is what leads to many of your awkward situations.
Hmm… you know, you might be onto something there! See, I believed that stupid “everyone is weird” saying and now I must spend my days encountering person after person who isn’t. Tragic, really.
I hate those toilets! Though…my butt is too large for them so I dont even try. I bet you she was lying. Everyone is like that.
By the way…you are my hero. Already accomplishing your new years goals. Awesomeness. Total Yoda status
Hmmm, now I’m tempted to have her sit on the toilet and check.
That wouldn’t be awkward, right?
(Yeah, I thought not.)
I have never seen a toilet seat with sides or arm rests…picture?
I always assumed the only possible toilet seat problem was hanging over the edges….
So did I, back in more innocent times.
(And have no fear, tomorrow I’ll be over at grandma’s again and a toilet photo will be imminent!)
You two are like an old married couple.
True story: a few months ago our main bathroom “potty” was broken. So I go buy thos fancy soft toilet seat for the “ladies” I live with. Guess what, they hate it. It’s not strong enough and it’s easily broken. amazing
Oh, soft toilet seats are always a mistake. A terrible, terrible mistake.
Lol! You’re fabulous! I would say… “Get a new toilet seat!”
That is in-line with “invent a device that allows me to wear my pants unbuttoned without the zipper coming down because I can’t fit into my pants”.
And that’s why I always wear skirts.
It’s surprisingly effective.
I have the SAME Problem. So, rather than expand your toilet, you are welcome to come to our house — we can set up a pay per use fee maybe? You’ll have to hold it for a long time tho, b/c we live in texas…
Well, at least all the rest stop bathrooms along the way will be free!
(Rest stops are still free, right?)
Heeehehhee, you crack me up girl!
Goodness to glory and all that’s heavenly, you are not fat….Grandmas seat is just too stinkin’ skinny!!!
)
Congrats on meetin’ your goal!
God bless ya and have a stupendous day my friend!
Well, thank you, but I know a toilet seat that would like to politely disagree!
(You know those toilet seats, they’re always so polite.)
None of our bathrooms have heat = always cold. The bonus? Cold shrinks you up so, in the winter at least = (marginally) less fat.
I hadn’t even thought of that – now I’m stretching the seat and shrinking my thighs!
I totally have this problem with my son’s desk chair.
I mean seriously… how much bigger can I be than a 7 year old?
yeah.
i love the word “ensued” … but not the awkward pauses that are always hanging out with it. i assume this is true for everyone …
Yeah, yeah you would.
But the ensuing silence always proves you painfully wrong.
Wait – where do you get a toilet seat with arm rests? LOL. I’d never be able to squeeze my fat behind into one, either, but I have to find one first.
First, you know someone who’s really, really old… it all spirals down from there.
Cracking Up!!! Thank you. Love this only because I can relate so well. Yeah those tiny toilets are a pain.
Too funny! I hate when I am the only one that has a problem
There is nothing worse than trying to take a poop on a toilet that doesn’t conform to your ass.
Nothing.
Perhaps we need to call the makers of memory foam.
Or those temperpedic bed peoples.
Seriously, it’s so cold.
I feel I can’t adequately express how cold those toilet handles are.
It’s really cold.
I think everyone else is lying.
But I admire your goal.
(As an aside, don’t you hate when you share something with the assumption that it’s true for everyone and then it’s true for no one and then apparently you’re a weirdo? This has been on my mind lately because none of my friends will admit that they, too, sometimes fall down in the bathroom and pee on themselves. But that’s a whole different post.)
Yeah, that reminds me of the time I said while on a date with a fat guy “Don’t you hate that kind of lightheaded feeling when you haven’t eaten in eighteen or twenty hours?” and he was like “this has never happened to me ever in life”… um, oops?