A Bigfoot discovery, aka the dream, has happened.
But none of that will directly impact your lives.
Not like today’s discovery, that Bigfoot is real.
And he’s in America.
(If I may suggest, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.)
(Unless you have some sort of large, indestructible weapon.)
(Then it’s probably best for all of us if you hold your ground.)
I always believed that when the day came that an imaginary creature was proven to be real, it’d be Nessie.
(For those not as close, she prefers Ms. Loch Ness.)
(And no monster, that’s just mean.)
(She suffered enough in middle school.)
(As you can imagine – she was going through a goth phase.)
(Parents – they just don’t understand.)
I’d like everyone to take a minute and just soak in the present.
For this is a special time, before your innocence and spinal cavity is shattered in the Bigfoot uprising.
Yesterday, we scarcely believed that Bigfoot existed, that he was out roaming the countryside, sacrificing virgins and drinking unicorn blood.
(That’s Bigfoot, right?)
But today we know the truth.
Bigfoot is real.
Bigfoot is out there.
And, apparently, he’s reproducing.
This can’t end well.
It took Lindsey an hour to respond after my first message
And I kept hoping she would
Because I wanted to take a screenshot that didn’t include the last conversation we’d had over iMessage.
Which was about the Kardashians,