Do You Have Male Genitalia? Be My Friend.

September 27, 2011

George Washington Mask

How could this girl *not* have tons of friends?

Skye and I recently made a huge life decision, and in a move that surprised both our families, it wasn’t to come out of the closet and profess our love.

(We’re just friends. Friends who vacation together and write our initials in the sand. Like friends do.)

We’ve realized we need more male friends. Sure, there’s Jeff, but forcing the entirety of male representation upon his medium-ly broad shoulders seemed unfair.

So last weekend, when Allison had her annual Jersey Shore party, Skye and I were on the hunt.

And we encountered a boy and his friend.

I’ll call them Darvis and Dhris.

(Because I’m fabulous at inventing pseudonyms, that’s why.)

Then this morning I received an e-mail from Allison:

Hah, Darvis asked if I threw up Sat., and then said he only had two beers and still had a hangover.  He’s kind of adorable, I think I’ll keep him.

To which I naturally responded:

You definitely should – Skye and I had a street meeting after leaving and decided he’s really nice and we would totally accept his application for being one of our new guy friends. Also, weird he thought you threw up. But I’ll overlook it, given his male genitalia.

Allison quickly added:

Awesome- he said he had a good time talking to you guys, so I have high hopes for this.

My immediate response:

YES! Now just to design the guy-friends application form.

Now this’ll be a good use of my afternoon.

Skye then joined in:

Darvis was awesome. And thanks to our convo, I now want to start a line of flip books w/Megan. (OK, food truck might be easier to start up but wouldn’t it be great to meet w/a publisher and be like, “so I have this GREAT idea. A flip book about the life of a body*!”)

This referenced an entrepreneurial idea we had at the party, involving flip books and a succession of photos showcasing the ways age ravages people.

You can tell we’re a riot to be around.

But what most caught my eye was her approval of my friend application form.

(It’s there, you just have to be looking closely to see it.)

After completing said form, I was about to send it to Darvis over a Facebook message but then realized we’re not Facebook friends.

(Obviously an oversight on his part.)

Instead I decided to share it with all of you, in hopes that it will help you with all of your male friend needs and interviews.


Preferred pseudonym (just in case):

Favorite Backstreet Boy (depending on age and preference of applicant, favorite Beatle will be considered):

Last known felony charge (not counting any related to mail tampering):

(You’ve gotta be lenient regarding mail tampering, I mean, who wasn’t young once?)

Have you ever successfully placed a beach umbrella?

(Please provide verifying photo of said umbrella.)

If you were forced to take only one person to a deserted island, who would that be?

Would you bring that person along for companionship or nourishment?

How much would I have to weigh for it to be unacceptable to have you carry me around on your back?

(A litter is also acceptable, but you’d have to provide one.)

If you could recommend I only buy one item from Amazon, what would it be?

What is your favorite book?

(As a warning, any book starring a serial killer would be taken as a very serious sign.)

Would you under any circumstance pretend to be my butler?

How about my long-lost great uncle?

Please include 3 friend references, along with a DNA sample.

(Which will simply be stored in a safe place in case it ever needs to be accessed.)

I have great faith this will end well

I mean, how could it not?


p.s. After my announcement Allison e-mailed her own version of the guy friend application, so enjoy:

Maximum amount you can carry:
On a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself on the following, 10 being extremely high:
Willingness to do physical labor:
Knowledge of mechanics:
Knowledge of technology:
Interest in sports:
Please list your top 5 interests:
Please list your 5 favorite tv shows:
In relation to friendship, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Greatest weakness?
Please list below any further information you believe would help us in our decision making process.
Are you in a relationship?  If yes, how will that impact the amount of time you are willing to commit to spending with/doing stuff for us?
*This did not originally say “body.”
Do You Have Male Genitalia? Be My Friend.

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