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Do You Have Male Genitalia? Be My Friend.

George Washington Mask

How could this girl *not* have tons of friends?

Skye and I recently made a huge life decision, and in a move that surprised both our families, it wasn’t to come out of the closet and profess our love.

(We’re just friends. Friends who vacation together and write our initials in the sand. Like friends do.)

We’ve realized we need more male friends. Sure, there’s Jeff, but forcing the entirety of male representation upon his medium-ly broad shoulders seemed unfair.

So last weekend, when Allison had her annual Jersey Shore party, Skye and I were on the hunt.

And we encountered a boy and his friend.

I’ll call them Darvis and Dhris.

(Because I’m fabulous at inventing pseudonyms, that’s why.)

Then this morning I received an e-mail from Allison:

Hah, Darvis asked if I threw up Sat., and then said he only had two beers and still had a hangover.  He’s kind of adorable, I think I’ll keep him.

To which I naturally responded:

You definitely should – Skye and I had a street meeting after leaving and decided he’s really nice and we would totally accept his application for being one of our new guy friends. Also, weird he thought you threw up. But I’ll overlook it, given his male genitalia.

Allison quickly added:

Awesome- he said he had a good time talking to you guys, so I have high hopes for this.

My immediate response:

YES! Now just to design the guy-friends application form.

Now this’ll be a good use of my afternoon.

Skye then joined in:

Darvis was awesome. And thanks to our convo, I now want to start a line of flip books w/Megan. (OK, food truck might be easier to start up but wouldn’t it be great to meet w/a publisher and be like, “so I have this GREAT idea. A flip book about the life of a body*!”)

This referenced an entrepreneurial idea we had at the party, involving flip books and a succession of photos showcasing the ways age ravages people.

You can tell we’re a riot to be around.

But what most caught my eye was her approval of my friend application form.

(It’s there, you just have to be looking closely to see it.)

After completing said form, I was about to send it to Darvis over a Facebook message but then realized we’re not Facebook friends.

(Obviously an oversight on his part.)

Instead I decided to share it with all of you, in hopes that it will help you with all of your male friend needs and interviews.


Preferred pseudonym (just in case):

Favorite Backstreet Boy (depending on age and preference of applicant, favorite Beatle will be considered):

Last known felony charge (not counting any related to mail tampering):

(You’ve gotta be lenient regarding mail tampering, I mean, who wasn’t young once?)

Have you ever successfully placed a beach umbrella?

(Please provide verifying photo of said umbrella.)

If you were forced to take only one person to a deserted island, who would that be?

Would you bring that person along for companionship or nourishment?

How much would I have to weigh for it to be unacceptable to have you carry me around on your back?

(A litter is also acceptable, but you’d have to provide one.)

If you could recommend I only buy one item from Amazon, what would it be?

What is your favorite book?

(As a warning, any book starring a serial killer would be taken as a very serious sign.)

Would you under any circumstance pretend to be my butler?

How about my long-lost great uncle?

Please include 3 friend references, along with a DNA sample.

(Which will simply be stored in a safe place in case it ever needs to be accessed.)

I have great faith this will end well

I mean, how could it not?


p.s. After my announcement Allison e-mailed her own version of the guy friend application, so enjoy:

Maximum amount you can carry:
On a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself on the following, 10 being extremely high:
Willingness to do physical labor:
Knowledge of mechanics:
Knowledge of technology:
Interest in sports:
Please list your top 5 interests:
Please list your 5 favorite tv shows:
In relation to friendship, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Greatest weakness?
Please list below any further information you believe would help us in our decision making process.
Are you in a relationship?  If yes, how will that impact the amount of time you are willing to commit to spending with/doing stuff for us?
*This did not originally say “body.”

{ 56 comments… add one }

  • Trinity Resler September 27, 2011, 11:18 am

    I LOVE your application questions. I’d also say ability to change a flat tire and killing bugs would definitely be on my list. Why does this thing keep telling me my comment is too short?

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:32 pm

      Well, pay no attention, I think your comment is the perfect length!

  • blueviolet September 27, 2011, 12:14 pm

    I have confidence that your application will weed out the riffraff!

  • Bodaciousboomer September 27, 2011, 12:33 pm

    When you are interested in a looking for a mate you’ll want to add:
    Willingness to kill spiders:
    Ability to make me feel special on a regular basis:

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:32 pm

      Aw, that’s so sweet. But I won’t require a mate fill out the questionnaire. Instead I’m going to arrange some life-threatening obstacle course.


  • Skye September 27, 2011, 12:43 pm

    After Jeff made us pancakes last night, I think we need to add some cooking questions. Please rate your cooking skills, and how often are you willing to cook for us?

  • Angie Uncovered September 27, 2011, 1:14 pm

    Please add:

    Do you have any issue lying to old ladies (grandma) about the nature of our relationship?

  • Missy Jill (What's Going On Here!?) September 27, 2011, 2:15 pm

    Can he be forwarded to me? I have no friends named Darvis. Wait– I could just rename one. In which case you should include in your questionnaire: “Do you mind being renamed?”

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:31 pm

      Oh, sadly I don’t even ask regarding such things – they just have to accept it’s going to happen. And feel free to spread the Darvis legacy, I’m quite happy with it.

  • John September 27, 2011, 2:47 pm

    Name: John

    Preferred pseudonym (just in case): Mr. Boddy

    Favorite Backstreet Boy (depending on age and preference of applicant, favorite Beatle will be considered): George (because I don’t know if I can name a backstreet boy – wait . . . was Lance Bass one?)

    Last known felony charge (not counting any related to mail tampering): Jewel thievery
    (You’ve gotta be lenient regarding mail tampering, I mean, who wasn’t young once?)

    Have you ever successfully placed a beach umbrella? Yes, I have – and I believe I actually might have photographic evidence…

    If you were forced to take only one person to a deserted island, who would that be? Bear Grylls

    Would you bring that person along for companionship or nourishment? Nourishment, duh, he’d find all of the food for us to eat.

    How much would I have to weigh for it to be unacceptable to have you carry me around on your back? 240-ish

    (A litter is also acceptable, but you’d have to provide one.) How about a stroller?

    If you could recommend I only buy one item from Amazon, what would it be? A towel.

    What is your favorite book? Anansi Boys

    Would you under any circumstance pretend to be my butler? Why not?

    How about my long-lost great uncle? How do you know I’m not your long lost uncle?

    • Sandy September 27, 2011, 6:04 pm

      How about a stroller…good one!

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:30 pm

      1. Mr. Boddy is the best pseudonym ever.
      2. I’m actually not sure re: Lance, but either way I accept him as an answer. I mean, any gay boy bander is alright in my book.
      3. Is it a double-seating stroller? People want to know.
      4. Towel is by far the best possible answer.
      5. Then I must ask – what happened to Great Aunt Edna’s rubies?

  • Missy | Literal Mom September 27, 2011, 2:48 pm

    Best application questions ever!

  • SpilledInkGuy September 27, 2011, 3:05 pm

    after reading the title of this post I thought the application process might be a bit simpler, Ms. Washington.
    I mean… there’s like… actual paperwork involved! Not only that, but TWO separate forms! Is this a timed thing? Could you make a few questions multiple choice? Is there a word bank I’m not seeing? I’m so confused…

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:26 pm

      Hey, it was that or offer proof of said genitalia, and I’m a family friendly blog!

  • Stephanie @ Figments of a Mom September 27, 2011, 3:07 pm

    Love it!

  • Jamie September 27, 2011, 4:07 pm

    A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, I was in law school. There I met friends with male parts — that literally kept me sane. And we all still keep in touch today. They were all v. quirky (but that could have been law school), all v. different but the one common denominator is they made me laugh. And they cared enough to keep me laughing when I felt like fleeing. Good luck. — I think the questions are a good start.

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:25 pm

      Hm, I don’t know if I’m quite at the point of attending law school for friends, but I’m definitely gonna keep it in my back pocket, thanks!

  • Amanda Austin September 27, 2011, 4:30 pm

    For me, the sports question is key. If there are too many sports in the sports interest category? That male friend app goes into the rejection pile. I can only handle so much football.

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:25 pm

      Exactly! Allison was actually concerned it would appear as though she was looking for males with interest in sports, while she was actually trying to cull with it!

  • Emmy September 27, 2011, 5:07 pm

    Sounds like you are well on your way to finding some great guy friends. Good luck 🙂

  • Jackie September 27, 2011, 6:23 pm

    Awesome! I’d apply but I’m just not qualified, what with not being male and all. Can I still be your friend? O,O

    Also, is there a way I can get your blog to notify me if anyone replies to my comments? I never know…

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:24 pm

      No need to worry – it does that automatically! (I know, how fancy, right?)

      And you don’t need to fill out the application, you’re already grandfathered in!

      (And I totally didn’t see your text ’til bedtime yesterday, but am totally free tonight after work – hint, hint.)

  • Kimberly September 27, 2011, 6:24 pm

    Seriously…what do they put in your Wheaties? Do you even eat those? Maybe that should be an application question.
    You kids crack me up.

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:23 pm

      I do not eat my Wheaties, but now I am going to invent a new question around which celebrity you’d most prefer to grace a box.

      (Mine would be Mr. Snuffleupagus. Obviously.)

  • Jeff September 27, 2011, 6:51 pm

    Join a weekly Dungeons and Dragons game at a local hobby store. I guarantee you, this is the easiest way to make male friends who will treat you like gold.

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:21 pm

      See, it’s not that I wouldn’t do this… but first I’d have to play D&D. Which, now that the Internet is around, does anybody still play?

  • Kari @ bite-sized thoughts September 27, 2011, 8:34 pm

    Brilliant! This is what I need in my life 🙂 I always knew there should be a way to ensure that friendships start off well, and now you’ve provided it.

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:20 pm

      Feel free to repurpose the application for your own life – it truly is a gift to the world.

  • liz September 27, 2011, 8:43 pm

    Oh how i love the way you spend your afternoons!

    What would be the minimum weight carrying ability to still be considered by you girls?

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:20 pm

      Hmm… now that’s a tough question. Just how large can I get and still expect someone to carry me? I’ll go with 300lb, just to be safe.

      (Hey, I eat a large quantity of cheese, gotta be cautious.)

  • ava September 27, 2011, 9:09 pm

    Hilarious! 😉 You are one riot group to be around for sure! 😉 Funny about the Facebook friend bit, I also just recently found out my Mama and me are not friends. An oversight on “her” part of course! I’ll be coming back! 😉

  • Dani September 27, 2011, 10:31 pm


    I agree. Go strict on the mail tampering and you’ll never make friends. Well played.

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:18 pm

      It’s quite the rookie mistake, I’m just glad to have avoided it.

  • Lisa @ Blithe Moments September 27, 2011, 10:37 pm

    I was sending out an email to my birthday dinner the other day and I realised with a shock there were more guys than girls on my list. I would love to give you some pearls of advice about how that happened because I can clearly remember a time when I knew no guys, literally I didn’t have one male friend, however I have no idea how it happened.

    Given that I’m clearly not useful at all, I think your questionnaire is ideal. I would probably ask about additional handyman skills, my males can fix electrics, build things (big things like bits of my house), solve pretty much any computer issue and fix cars. Now if I can just add a plumber to the mix, I will be happy.

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:17 pm

      Man, you’ve hit the friend jackpot. I clearly need to start hanging out with handy people!

  • alonewithcats September 27, 2011, 11:47 pm

    I don’t have male genitalia yet, but I’d be willing to make a major life change for you.

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:16 pm

      You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that.

  • Christa the BabbyMama September 28, 2011, 10:20 am

    You know, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have potential husbands fill out these forms…

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:13 pm

      Good idea – I should totally expand my questionnaire market!

  • Amber September 28, 2011, 11:05 am

    Ok so, a few times I’ve done something like this. I’ve said, “I need more guys in my life so I can figure out why they are the way they are!”

    It hasn’t really worked out for various reasons. I think that having an application for friendship would be really beneficial. You know, weed out the ones that are going to be creepos, douchebags or socially inept.

    Perhaps you could merge your applications? Allison’s questions are very to the point and provide a lot of useful information on the skills/appearance of the guy, which are important, while yours has some great questions that can show you a little bit about their personality…also great.

    You girls have got something here!

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:13 pm

      I have a dream, that one day, all friends will first fill out completely appropriate questionnaires….

      It’s a strange dream, but it’s mine.

  • Mindee@ourfrontdoor September 28, 2011, 2:26 pm

    Given my new love of Google Docs I am itching to put this questionaire into form form which will then place all answers (automatically!) into a spread sheet that will (automatically!) create graphs.

    Who doesn’t love a graph?

  • Mindee@ourfrontdoor September 28, 2011, 3:03 pm

    Your application questions lent themselves to form form better than Allison’s. Also? The results are much more graphable.

    Here you go:
    {See following comment}

  • Mindee@ourfrontdoor September 28, 2011, 3:05 pm
  • Christina September 28, 2011, 5:03 pm

    I answered your question on my blog, but I’ll tell you here, too. Tympani are parts that help cicadas make their loud calls. 🙂 I looked up cicadas. I’m a nerd. I couldn’t help but use the words together, though, once I saw it in the article. (Tympani and symphony just scream to be put with one another.)

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:03 pm

      You are far more of a dedicated blogger than I shall ever be.


  • Bridget September 28, 2011, 5:13 pm

    I want to apply. Do you need an old mom-of-twins friend? I’d like an application. I promise never to use my friends as nourishment- I don’t eat carnivores.

    • Megan September 29, 2011, 2:03 pm

      Of course! Tune in later today for the official application link! (I only wish I was joking.)

  • julie gardner September 29, 2011, 1:03 pm

    I do not have male genitalia, but I do have a noteworthy amount of arm hair for a girl. Who is blond.

    Oh. And I love being a butler. Ask anyone.

    Can I play, too?

  • donna dorrane September 30, 2011, 8:56 am

    lol….this is too funny. You could actually use those applications for dating as well. Because really…dude needs to know how to set up a beach umbrella, and how to fix cars…lol.

    Ok I have to go, before I stay on here all day. Too funny.

  • Raine September 30, 2011, 3:34 pm

    I love the application questions! I think I need more male friends too 🙂

  • Carley January 16, 2012, 2:21 pm

    You’re blog is HY-STER-ICAL (had to check to make sure I spelled that right, the hyphens threw me off. But seriously, I’m going to start following you! Girls should starmaking boyfriend applications, but similar to this….more detailed

    On a scale of 1-10, 10 being extremely high, what are the chances of you ditching me Saturday night to crush beer cans on your forehead with your boys?

    Favorite backstreet boy? Solid question.
    John Lennon Vs. Nick Carter? Tough question!

    Love your blog, you’ve gained a new reader!

    • Megan January 17, 2012, 10:03 am

      Your comment totally made my day. Just thought you should know.

      (And obviously I need to make a boyfriend specific application, why haven’t I got on that?!)

      (It’s probably my laziness.)

      (And also my continuing confusion over Google Docs, which everyone assures me is painfully easy.)

      (So, maybe I have multiple problems.)

      (Though I do look for strong foreheads in future mates, so I might rate your suggested question differently than anticipated.)

      (You never know when you might have to headbutt someone to defend my honor.)

  • Carley January 17, 2012, 2:59 pm

    Ha! I just noticed how horrible my typing was in my comment! The word “hysterical” was the least of my worries! I promise I’m not incompetence, autocorrect did NOT have my back this time, thanks iPhone!

    Can’t wait to read more of your blog! And don’t worry, everything on google confuses me, including most of the answers to the things I google. The internet is NOT our friend!

  • Anna February 5, 2012, 3:32 pm

    Classic! You are going to have a TON of male friends – I just know it!!!

    Thanks for linking up to finding the funny!

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