Does This Sound Fondue Like a Good Idea?

Immediately after the first caveman invented fire, he melted some cheese, into which he dipped bread and apples. While there is probably no evidence of this, I’m sure it’s true. And I’m sure Grog would appreciate this tutorial on fondue, the lazy way.

This is roughly all the ingredients you will need. But as always, try to not be prepared for some.

Sadly I’m not advanced enough to own an electric fondue pot, so I need Sterno.

Well, I don’t actually own any fondue pot. I’ve stolen borrowed my mom’s.

Don’t you just love Sterno? Well, in that disgusting love sort of way.

Now put some (roughly 1 cup) apple cider into the pot.

If you have friends standing by, make them chop something.

Now add about 1 teaspoon of lemon juice.

Now light the Sterno.

When you are incapable of lighting the Sterno, make a friend do it.

Now that’s better.

Take a moment to reassure your friends that you know fire safety and there’s no chance you are going to set something on fire.

They will see this as terrible foreshadowing.

They will be right.

Realize you should have rubbed an onion along the edges of the fondue pot.

Do that now, trying to avoid dunking it in the cider.

Make sure your friends are taking no safety precautions with knives.

Remember children, the more fingers near the blade, the better.

Now put 1/2 tsp ground mustard in a bowl.

Apparently you have also lost the 1/2 tsp spoon. Have no fear, now just use the 1/8 tsp four times.

Don’t worry about the measurement being level, just mush it down with your finger.

It’s probably best if you wash your hands before cooking.

Just a suggestion though, don’t feel obligated.

Finally, the cornstarch.

Doesn’t every recipe feel incomplete until there is 1 tbs cornstarch?

I suppose not the recipes without cornstarch.

Now add 3 tbs apple juice.

You are currently unaware that this combined with the cider is going to make your fondue taste overwhelmingly of apples. So don’t worry about it yet.

By this time your friends should be making good progress in chopped apples and bread for the dipping. If not, corporal incentives are always useful.

Just joking. Unless you see nothing wrong with physical punishment.

I’m not here to judge.

Now mix.

Mixing is always aided by having a creepy smile. I’m helpfully demonstrating this here.

Keep stirring the fondue, in the fervent hope that you can avoid burning the pot.

Keep that hope alive for as long as you can.

Now this is much better. All they needed was some encouragement.

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the arrival of the cheese.

Throw in roughly 3/4 of a bag. That’s probably the right amount.

Glorious, glimmering, glistening, gourmet cheese.

Well, actually cheap cheddar. But the idea’s the same.

Add the bowl mixture to the fondue.

Or I suppose to the pot on the stove, if you’re going to be all ‘making fondue the right way’ on me.

If you continue cooking entirely with Sterno, your consistency will resemble this.

If you have small children, this is a great opportunity to make them believe food is suppose to be like this. That way, they’ll always eat what you cook.

I’m going to be a great parent.

Mix mix mix.

My, cooking does involve a lot of mixing, doesn’t it?

I bet Rachel Ray has triceps of steel.

Now shake a random amount of salt into the pot.

It is imperative that you shake as fast as you can.

Don’t ask why.

Your friends will disagree on the amount, adding more salt.

Again, shake as fast as possible.

Now comes the most important part, moving the fondue pot from the kitchen to the dining room. You should be somewhat frightened at what is about to happen.

I enjoy that this photo shows both the towel that was just on fire (notice the browned areas) and my appropriate response, uncontrolled laughter.

Yes, you attempt to move the fondue by picking it up with a towel. The towel immediately catches on fire, to which you impressively manage to not throw it in the air, but place back down on the island.

The truly miraculous part is that apparently the random bathroom towel that was for some reason within reach in the kitchen is fire resistant, as it puts itself out after a couple of seconds.

After this near disaster, you consider pausing for a moment and deciding the safest way to move the fondue.

Instead, you grab two tongs.

Your friends are naturally skeptical.

Astonishingly, this works.

You now sit around the table, enjoying your delicious, if too strongly apple flavored fondue.

Make sure to sit at a rectangular table, ensuring that at least one guest is inconvenienced by the placement of the fondue pot.

As a natural ending to the meal, there will not be enough fondue.