How To Eat Sugar Cane: An In-Depth Investigation

January 27, 2011

sugar cane an investigation

Please take note of my I-will-never-be-cool pose.

Where is Atlantis, who shot JFK, how to cook bacon painlessly – I’m a sucker for the unknown.

Grocery store shopping with Jeff and Skye, I came upon a barrel full of sugar cane and was suddenly filled with questions.

Questions that had only one possible solution.

So a half an hour later when we divvied up items for purchasing, included in the haul was one large stalk of sugar cane.

how to eat sugar cane

I hold sugar cane, hear me roar.

If there’s anything I’ve taken with me from childhood, it’s the importance of always playing with my food.

As with all playing, the more violent, the better.

how to eat sugar cane

The humor of sugar cane only growing in tropical climates was appropriate, but under appreciated.

Unless that food looks like it could get messy.

Then it’s necessary to retreat outside.

Even if it’s windy and freezing and it suddenly seems like a much better idea to find some processed sugar and watch a movie or sit staring listlessly at a wall.

Winners never quit, and quitters never eat sugar cane.

When breaking off pieces of sugar cane, Hulk impersonations are useful.

Though not required.

This is America.

how to eat sugar cane

For the first taste, feel free to go teensy-tiny.

Don’t be fooled by Skye’s smile.

Yummy would not be her current thought bubble.

how to eat sugar cane

Yes, my glasses are still held together with tape. I'm lazy, that's why. And cheap. But mainly lazy.

I was not as successful at breaking off a piece of sugar cane.

This might be a sign I need to start doing teeth-strengthening exercises.

Though I’m fearful to turn to YouTube and discover what those would require.

how to eat sugar cane

I looked even sillier in person.

Breaking off the sugar cane became more difficult when my hands surrendered to the freezing cold and they retreated into my pockets.

how to eat sugar cane

And he calls himself a man.

Being pampered suburbanites, we quickly retreated inside.

Skye and Sugar Cane

I have no idea why I'm still eating this.

Where we continued to slowly chew on sugar cane, resembling cows as we slowly munched.

Me and Sugar Cane

Yum. But not.

I expected sugar cane to taste like molasses in cane form.

This shows a clear lack of respect or understanding to crystallization.

And I’d like to formally apologize.

Crystallization, are you listening?

I was wrong.

You are important.

Very important.

And I am sorry for having misjudged you.

Jeff and Sugar Cane

I regret letting Megan make purchasing decisions.

Sugar cane is chewy.

Yet hard.

And dry.

Though I’ve never chewed on a stick before, I feel confident in stating the taste would be quite similar.

Sugar Cane

Sure, it's pretty, but try subsisting on it.

In fact, this sugar cane was so inedible we concluded only one possible explanation.

That grocery store sold us bad sugar cane.

Somehow intuiting that we were sugar cane novices, the store tricked us into purchasing sub-par cane.

Or there’s a reason candy stores don’t sell miniature canes.

But that wouldn’t make nearly as impressive a letter to the manager.

Leading an investigation while not wearing a deerstalker hat felt wrong,


How To Eat Sugar Cane: An In-Depth Investigation

{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: