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How To Steal A Car (A Not-To Guide) (The Sequel)

Where was I? Oh yes, in downtown D.C., frantically searching for my car keys.

Digging, digging, digging.

Nope, no keys.

I realized I must have first put them in my camera bag, before deciding to leave my camera bag in the car.

Lindsey and I looked at each other. Then we looked at Daniel and his “friend.”

By then I’d determined his “friend” was actually his “date.”

But that’s another story.

Then we all looked at each other. And we laughed.

Then we decided to break into my car.

We searched, but there isn’t an app for that. We were able to find an eHow article.

But it said we’d need a coat hanger. Sadly I’d left mine at home that night.

I ran a few blocks to Allison’s apartment, knowing while she was in New York for the weekend maybe one of her roommates would let us filch her belongings.

Along the way I passed a jogger.

Tilting my head sharply, I indicated our shared bond of running. While my distance spanned only a block and a half, I felt we understood each other.

I ran up to Allison’s door, and after taking a moment to catch my breath, rang the bell.

That block and a half really takes it out of you.

Nobody answered.

So I rang again. And again. And again. Ensuring that if someone was just ignoring me, at least they suffered for it.

Looking around, I hoped to find they’d left a coat hanger on their front patio. There was a hose. And if I could improvise a screwdriver, a long piece of metal holding their gutter to the wall that might work. Lifting the trash can lid, I took one sniff and decided not to investigate the trash further.

So I dejectedly walked back to the car, trying to decide if I was willing to break a window.

Pros of breaking car window: Making the midnight showing of the movie on time. Not having to abandon my car in the city. A fairly awesome story.

Cons of breaking car window: Broken glass. Not feeling safe parking my gaping wide-open car anywhere. The shame if I was unable to break the window after I decided to try. Accidentally getting arrested for grand theft auto, as the car isn’t registered in my name.

While I have always been intrigued by the idea of getting arrested, I’d rather it happen in easily remedied situations, preferably during daylight hours.

I’m not scared of night prison.

I’m just healthily wary.

Okay, okay, I’m scared of night prison.

We all have our demons.

Once breaking into my car was out, the options became either taking the metro to go see the movie, then coming back later and figuring out the car and hoping someone would return to Allison’s apartment to let us sleep or calling my dad and praying I’d left a set of car keys at his house.

I opted for calling my dad.

Without questioning or complaining, he asked for directions and drove into the city to bring them to me.

My friends waited with me at the bar down the street – the bar which earlier that night they’d called overpriced and poorly serviced – so I wouldn’t wait alone.

Finally in my car

I look just as frightening in real life.

So I guess my quite unfortunate night was actually quite lucky.

That is, until we saw the movie.

And I bought a gigantic box of Junior Mints to calm my nerves.

Junior Mints are the Valium of candy.

I think I heard that in an ad once.

Though I was unaware of it happening, at some point I must have dropped a Junior Mint.

Or two. Or five.

Because halfway through the movie, I reached into my lap and felt this.

Chocolate Covered Pants

While used to receiving strange looks in public, this took it to a whole new level.

Then I resolved to never go out in public again.

The end.

If only that could have cured me of my Junior Mints addiction

But at this point I fear rehab is required,


{ 49 comments… add one }

  • magnolia December 3, 2010, 12:45 am

    junior mints – those devilish little things. so good, so messy…

  • Blond Duck December 3, 2010, 6:23 am

    Oh no! I’m so sorry. I HATE getting food on my clothes.

  • KJ December 3, 2010, 9:19 am

    I love Junior Mints! Best movie food EVAR.

  • pickles & dimes December 3, 2010, 9:24 am

    I laughed my whole way through this entry. My favorite part was when you nodded to the jogger. 🙂

  • Missy Jill December 3, 2010, 9:27 am

    What an awesome dad. He MUST be part of the reason you turned out so great.

  • Nichole@40daysof December 3, 2010, 10:01 am

    One time my brother put a Junior mint in his mouth, then took it out and dried it off and gave it to unsuspecting me. Then pointed and laughed when I ate it. He still thinks it’s hilarious 25 years later. I still can’t eat Junior Mints.

  • Mindee@ourfrontdoor December 3, 2010, 10:12 am

    What a nice dad and friends AND you still got to see the movie.

    I bought a box of “inside out” Junior Mints last week. NOT good. At all.

  • Life of a Doctor's Wife December 3, 2010, 10:43 am

    Your site is different! Right? Or am I having some sort of weird site-sighting related stroke?

    Anyway, I like it!

    Hilarious story as usual – I do the junior mints thing all the time. Though usually with spaghetti.

  • everton terrace December 3, 2010, 10:54 am

    There are too many funny points for me to address. When I read the line about you not being afraid of night prison I was thinking – oh you should be dear then I saw you came to your senses. I have come out of the movie with strangely similar stains on my clothes! Wait, that block and half statement had me cracking up.

  • Missy Jill December 3, 2010, 11:08 am

    Megan, there’s echoes of you in the little horse I wrote about today. I better rephrase that, there’s echoes of how you see yourself sometimes. I did think of you as the adjectives slipped into view. If I’d known you when I was an unfortunate youth, I’m sure those years would have been more comforting, and dangerous.

  • Molly December 3, 2010, 11:25 am

    A friend of mine (I swear, it was a friend, I’m not saying “a friend” and really meaning “me” –I wasn’t even in the country at the time) had a similar experience with a box of milk duds at the movies. To this day she can’t tell the story without several of us tearing up with laughter. On occasion she even still responds to the name, “Caramel Crotch.”

  • Helena December 3, 2010, 11:36 am

    AWESOME story. This is my favorite kind of writing. I was laughing through the entire thing.

  • Skye December 3, 2010, 12:00 pm

    Switch to peppermint patties- you can unwrap them individually, lowering the chance of messiness 🙂

  • stephanie December 3, 2010, 12:05 pm

    OMG you are Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

  • A Daddy Blog December 3, 2010, 1:22 pm

    LOL. Once again your self-proclaimed quirkiness is coming through. I like that in friends… like a frog love a dead body.

    I keep hearing that people are getting mean spam comments? Other than insults to the size or functioning of my man parts, most I get are complimentary. The most recent reads:

    Good day I was fortunate to find your topic in baidu
    your topic is brilliant
    I get a lot in your topic really thanks very much
    btw the theme of you website is really splendid
    where can find it

    Neither of us can take spammers comments to heart of course, though in this case he/she is right. My blog (http://adaddyblog.com/)is brilliant.

  • Big Daddy December 3, 2010, 1:54 pm

    Hmmm. Another car related “incident” and, surprise surprise, Lindsey in on the scene. Coincidence?

  • lizzie December 3, 2010, 2:04 pm

    As an old married woman with 2 kids, yea yea I know… I love reading your blog and experiencing you having so much fun and being humilated at the same time…

  • Missy Jill December 3, 2010, 2:08 pm

    You better go back over their for the explanation. You’re the LEAST sad and lonely girl I’ve ever seen. Vibrant, radiant, joyous, giving, magnetic, beautiful… did I prove it yet?

  • Kimberly December 3, 2010, 2:25 pm

    What? You mean to tell me that there isn’t an App called MaGyver? That’s ridiculous. What is this world coming to?
    At least we have the mints.
    and spray and wash.

  • lizzie December 3, 2010, 3:02 pm

    What I meant to say was thanks for letting me live ex·tra·ne·ous·ly through you! It only took 1/2 hour to think of the word. Told you I was old.

  • Lori @ I Can Grow People December 3, 2010, 3:31 pm

    I am glad that you opted to not break your car window. And how convenient that your dad was able to come to your rescue!

  • Christina Harper December 3, 2010, 4:37 pm

    I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I should NOT have laughed at that last picture. But doesn’t it happen to all of us?

    One time I realized I was outside with pants that were ripped… in the butt area. No joke. I was mortified. So yeah, it happens.

    And also, Apple needs to come up with an app to break into your own car. Just sayin’. It would be super helpful.

  • NikkiB December 3, 2010, 6:25 pm

    OMG the same exact thing happened to me in middle school with the Junior Mints in a movie theater! Only when I walked out and looked down and saw dark spotches, my immediate thought was…


    And was subsequently mortified. Oh and also my shorts were white.

    Yay middle school.

  • Brittney December 3, 2010, 9:03 pm

    I love reading your story’s they always always make me laugh or at least smile! I have 5 brothers somwhow I ended up being the only girl I find myself in similar situations often girl, I’m guessing so I can be the one thats always embarrassing myself in front of everyone no matter how hard I try not to! Although the great thing about having 5 brothers is one is always there to help . . . . .
    and if not I always have DAD!

  • liz December 3, 2010, 9:08 pm

    the ending was totally worth it!

  • Rosa December 3, 2010, 10:04 pm

    Your dad is great! Lucky you…

    With those marks there is no way people will not give you strange looks. ;-P



  • Casey December 3, 2010, 11:10 pm

    A few suggestions:

    1. I hope you learned your lesson from this little debacle. ALWAYS carry a coat hanger with you at all times. Perhaps we could invent a fold up one to fit nicely into our handbags. (Like those new trendy fold up shoes that girls carry to clubs in their purses to pull out once they’re drunk and can’t stand the heals anymore. Are you familiar?)

    2. Maybe you need to branch out in regards to your friends. Criminals and ex-cons could have solved this little jiffy in no time at all.

    3. Will refrain from remarks on your little chocolate mess.

    • Megan December 8, 2010, 11:03 pm

      Man, why did I see this was all my friends’ fault?

      Brilliant analysis, as usual.

  • nursemyra December 4, 2010, 3:50 am

    Great story Megan. One of your best!

  • Crazy Sister December 4, 2010, 5:40 am

    That was fantastic. But I can’t help wondering if you guys have a service that you can call to come and open your locked car for you? I guess not, or you would have called them.

    They come faster if you tell them a kid’s locked in…

  • Suniverse December 4, 2010, 4:14 pm

    Junior Mints must like you. They really, really like you.

  • Allison @ Alli 'n Son December 4, 2010, 4:56 pm

    I haven’t had Junior Mints in ages. Man, now I HAVE to get a giant box.

  • Shay December 4, 2010, 7:10 pm

    I have tears from laughing at this! You’re a crazy ass chick! I LOVE it!

  • Scary Mommy December 4, 2010, 10:25 pm

    You are a fucking nut! No wonder you crack me up.

    • Megan December 8, 2010, 11:02 pm

      I wanted to make a squirrel joke, then felt it was too cliche.

      Squirrel joke enthusiasts mourn.

  • Sunday Koffron Taylor December 4, 2010, 10:42 pm

    Oh, that is just great!!!! I am laughing with you not at you! Just wait until you have kids and that mess on your lap, just may not be Jr. Mints…

  • Christina December 5, 2010, 1:03 am

    I am laughing, but I feel your pain. Although you really don’t look like your hurting much. I once went all around town running errands with a smear of brown paint on the back of my jeans, right across the pocket. I was not pleased.
    My favorite line? “Sadly I’d left mine at home that night.”
    I applaud your attempt to pull a MacGyver. And also how smart you are! You actually leave a set of keys with your dad? Super intelligent.

    • Megan December 8, 2010, 11:00 pm

      Oh Christina… you should know by now that any sign of intelligence will not have originated with me. My dad made copies of the keys when I got the car in high school, ’cause he does things like “think ahead.” Crazy, right?

  • Susan: My Food Obsession December 5, 2010, 6:52 am

    You and my husband should get together and have a ‘how little can I eat’ contest — the is notoriously bad at getting food all over himself.

    Love the photo!!

  • Bodacious Boomer December 5, 2010, 2:29 pm

    Glad you made it home safely and with your car in one piece kiddo. Now go do something nice for your dad.

  • grace December 5, 2010, 4:44 pm

    I love your humor. It is nice to have a blog to come visit when I’m in the mood to laugh out loud!
    Dads are the greatest aren’t they? I once called mine to come find me when I was lost in my car on the highway. He was there in no time and didn’t even yell at me when he discovered I was 70 miles from home in the opposite direction.

  • Alexandra the Tsaritsa December 5, 2010, 8:07 pm

    It’s really sweet that your dad drove the keys over to you. good thing you didn’t have to break your window! Will AAA show up if you’re not a member, I wonder? My friend had locked his “club” bar on his wheel but forgot the key and AAA cut it off the wheel for him.

    That picture is too funny!

  • Trinity December 5, 2010, 8:16 pm

    Thank you so much for your sweet comment on my page!
    This was hilarious!! I love your writing. I’m glad I’m not the only to have things like that junior mint thing happen to me!! i’m now subscribed…can’t wait to get to know you better 🙂

  • Anonymous December 5, 2010, 11:09 pm

    Thanks so much for checking out my blog and commenting. I decided to return the favor. This post made me laugh, which I really needed, so thanks for that. I feel I have no choice but to follow! 😛 Keep up the good bloggage!

  • Christine December 5, 2010, 11:11 pm

    Oops, for some reason it posted me as anonymous. That last comment was from Christine (http://thesilverlining122.blogspot.com/)

  • Sandra December 5, 2010, 11:45 pm

    Thank goodness you bought the big box of Junior Mints. They would have offset the calories you burned running that half block!…I’m still laughing at the look of complicity you exchanged with your fellow runner!
    Thank goodness for daddies!
    Such a great post!

    • Megan December 8, 2010, 10:59 pm

      I know, right? I’d hate to turn into a health nut, so it seemed imperative to eat enough junk to make up for my intense physical exertion.

  • Nerdyredneck Rob December 6, 2010, 2:13 pm


    1) I must now stop reading your blog while I am at work. In a cube farm of very quiet computer geeks my repeated laughter has to be arousing suspicion!

    2) You can melt candy Valiums in your lap? Wow! I would make some sort of comment about you obviously being hot but you don’t know me that well and might take it the wrong way (an occupational hazard of being a nerd)

    3) Get a spare key made, use colored silicone sealant and stick it (literally) anywhere inside your gas cap “compartment”. Completely cover it with the colored silicone so that it will not be visible to gas siphoners. Then next time this happens, you can simply use almost anything to dig your key out of the silicone mound.

    I got this idea watching the roast of Pamela Anderson on Comedy Central.

    • Megan December 8, 2010, 7:54 pm

      1. I often encounter inappropriate-laughter-at-work difficulties. It’s a hex of office work.
      2. I take few things the wrong way. Unless you’re dissing my car. Then I’ll become quite upset, as my car is amazing and worthy of nothing but praise.
      3. I will totally do that. Except I’m super lazy, so definitely won’t. But if this ever happens again, I’ll remember back to your advice and curse myself.

      p.s.~ Man, I watched that whole roast and all I got out of it was judgement towards Courtney Love.

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