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I Should Probably Change My Name to the Trojans or Some Other Mythic Losers


Fantasy football is like parking to the right.

Everyone does it just fine and never has to leave elaborate notes on scraps of paper for strangers.

Except me.

That’s my way of telling you all that the fantasy football losses just keep on coming.

This week was the first time I truly assumed I’d be the victor, as I was aided in my lineup choices by a friend who’s leading three separate leagues and I had a higher predicted point score.


Instead, I lost by almost forty-six points.

Forty-six points.

Aside from the week I forgot none of my players were actually playing, this is a new low.


I fear the fault, dear readers, lies not in my team but in myself, that I should have had the hubris to believe I deserved a 1-7 score.

These eight consecutive losses demonstrate that I am not worthy of a single win.

Probably as penance for that time I attempted right-side parking at my podiatrist’s office and hit two cars simultaneously.

(The noise of said crash, for once, eliminated my need to write a note.)


Yet, my constant and soul-crushing losses are not the only story of my fantasy football league season.



My friend in our league who is as football ignorant as I?

She got seventy-eight points this week.

Which is seven and a half fewer points than I got.

But, as she always does, she won her match-up.


Meaning she remains in first place.


I, to no one’s surprise, remain in last.

I now feel as though fantasy teams are the ideal way to experience most entertainment. 

Fantasy award show teams

Fantasy reality television stars

Fantasy other people at the gym

How can this trend not take off?



Equally Awkward Reads

* How to be the Worst Ever at Fantasy Football

* Do You Have Male Genitalia? Be My Friend

* Unrequited Love

{ 22 comments… add one }

  • Jen November 2, 2012, 1:30 pm

    I think “The Mythological Rabbles” has a very nice ring to it. The Manchild (my boyfriend) is in a fantasy league. He lost so horribly last season that the guys decided to buy a toilet seat and put the loser’s name on it as a trophy for last place this year. Said idea may or may not have been given to them by me. I’m not telling. (it totally was)
    I only know three things about football:
    #1) I like the pants. Most of their big asses look really good in them and it makes the game fun to watch.
    #2) Sometimes they sweat in really odd places and it’s hysterical to look at.
    #3) I really think that they should have a “hardcore” football league. It would bring huge ratings, as humans are prone to love anything where people get the shit stomped out of them. It would also eliminate all of the bajillion and twelve ridiculous rules.

    It’s because of my extensive knowledge of the game that the boys wouldn’t let me join for shits-n-giggles. That also gave them the excuse to institute a “No Girls Allowed” policy because our friend Jackie wanted to play and she would have kicked all their asses, AND helped me.

  • Misty November 2, 2012, 2:28 pm

    Wow! That IS some epic losing. Maybe fantasy football just ain’t your bag.

    Fantasy reality show contestant, though, has some possibilities . . . I claim Boston Rob!! 😉

  • Keith November 2, 2012, 2:58 pm

    I have only been watching this from afar but I am completely dumbfounded as to how Allison still remains in first. She should go to Vegas and lay some money down on the roulette table ASAP!

  • Jessica November 2, 2012, 3:02 pm

    Umm, my high school mascot was a Trojan.

  • Bryan November 2, 2012, 3:21 pm

    They call me ORACLE…….

  • angie November 2, 2012, 4:59 pm

    Ah. That sucks. If it makes you feel any better, I think I’d be just as big a loser. I don’t even know the football teams though, so maybe I’d surpass your losses, I bet. 🙂

  • Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell November 2, 2012, 7:15 pm

    This whole thing is like a foreign language to me!

  • Kari @ bite-sized thoughts November 3, 2012, 4:57 am

    It’s a pity the fantasy component of fantasy football doesn’t allow you to imagine your scores up to first place and then have everyone else agree that, yes, that is where you are sitting and, wow, you’re really quite brilliant at this!

  • Mindee@ourfrontdoor November 3, 2012, 7:31 am

    I find it easier to park to the left. Does that mean I would be great or terrible at FF?

  • Aleta November 3, 2012, 7:16 pm

    One of my good friends loves playing fantasy football, but I never got hooked into it 🙂

  • Alexis Anne November 4, 2012, 1:26 am

    You WILL win. Seriously. Keep plugging away.

    Fantasy football has ruined my dad’s life, or at least his enjoyment of football as a pure spectator sport. He can’t just cheer the Niners on anymore. It’s all about who has what running back or quarterback or defense or kicker or special teams or whatever. He even yells at my two-year-old cousin for cheering for the Niners when the opposition’s receiver caught the TD pass.

    I admire anyone who can keep it all in perspective.

  • Nami November 4, 2012, 12:52 pm

    How about Cheez Whiz? Because if you’re gonna contend with names like “I ran ur moms option,” and “Ball so hard,” well – you know what I’m saying?

  • Kimberly November 4, 2012, 2:54 pm

    Where have you been all my life? I miss you in a non-creepy-fantasy like way.

  • Juliette November 5, 2012, 5:44 am

    I wouldn’t have a clue how to play this Megan so maybe I should start so you are no longer on the bottom. However, the only way is up, as they say!

  • spilledinkguy November 5, 2012, 1:12 pm

    P.S. Sorry I got so far behind, Megan… I’m trying to limit myself to only one comment today in order to be fair to everyone as I struggle to catch-up… but that hasn’t been an easy thing to do!

  • Amber November 5, 2012, 3:31 pm

    I really have no idea what any of that means. I am so not a football person. I do like the food that people serve during football games though.

  • Ironic Mother November 5, 2012, 4:49 pm

    You should absolutely try Fantasy Congress instead. I think you have to wait until the new session is seated in January, but it will be totally worth it. Unless your fantasy football team soars then.

  • Shaylynn November 5, 2012, 7:06 pm

    this may as well be in spanish. 😉

  • Christina November 5, 2012, 11:25 pm

    You are one funny lady. I’m wondering why no one has taken a picture of your Fantasy Football face yet. I’m thinking it’s a good one. 🙂

    • Christina November 5, 2012, 11:27 pm

      P.S. I love the title of this post. Very much a lot.

      • Christina November 5, 2012, 11:27 pm

        While the above sounds a great deal like a spam comment, I assure you, it is not. I meant to write that. Think what you want of me.

  • imperfectmomma November 6, 2012, 10:41 am

    Wait – isnt the goal to be the one with the less points? OR is that golf?

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