I Should Probably Change My Name to the Trojans or Some Other Mythic Losers

November 2, 2012


Fantasy football is like parking to the right.

Everyone does it just fine and never has to leave elaborate notes on scraps of paper for strangers.

Except me.

That’s my way of telling you all that the fantasy football losses just keep on coming.

This week was the first time I truly assumed I’d be the victor, as I was aided in my lineup choices by a friend who’s leading three separate leagues and I had a higher predicted point score.


Instead, I lost by almost forty-six points.

Forty-six points.

Aside from the week I forgot none of my players were actually playing, this is a new low.


I fear the fault, dear readers, lies not in my team but in myself, that I should have had the hubris to believe I deserved a 1-7 score.

These eight consecutive losses demonstrate that I am not worthy of a single win.

Probably as penance for that time I attempted right-side parking at my podiatrist’s office and hit two cars simultaneously.

(The noise of said crash, for once, eliminated my need to write a note.)


Yet, my constant and soul-crushing losses are not the only story of my fantasy football league season.



My friend in our league who is as football ignorant as I?

She got seventy-eight points this week.

Which is seven and a half fewer points than I got.

But, as she always does, she won her match-up.


Meaning she remains in first place.


I, to no one’s surprise, remain in last.

I now feel as though fantasy teams are the ideal way to experience most entertainment. 

Fantasy award show teams

Fantasy reality television stars

Fantasy other people at the gym

How can this trend not take off?



Equally Awkward Reads

* How to be the Worst Ever at Fantasy Football

* Do You Have Male Genitalia? Be My Friend

* Unrequited Love

I Should Probably Change My Name to the Trojans or Some Other Mythic Losers

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