This past weekend I freaked out, embarrassed myself in public and learned how to shoot a gun.
Knowing my general laziness, ease of distraction and lack of coordination, I’m sure you all feel safer knowing I’m now equipped to handle lethal weapons.
But before I share with you the story of my day of guns, I thought I’d share the email thread that started it all.
To: Group
From: Allison
Subject: In case we need to overthrow the government, or more realistically, in case of a zombie attack…
So while I hate guns and consider it a totally legitimate reason not to date someone/ be terrified they might kill me in my sleep, it appears I am a bit of a hypocrite because I really want to try shooting. A few of you expressed interest a couple of months ago and I’ve found an awesome deal for an hour on the range that includes a gun, ammo, etc… we could split up and do groups of twos or threes, depending on how many of you are interested/how prepared you really want to be for the zombie apocalypse.
To: Group
From: Anna
Subject: Re:In case we need to overthrow the government, or more realistically, in case of a zombie attack…
I would not be interested in doing this, but I hope you guys have fun!
To: Group
From: Allison
Subject: Re:In case we need to overthrow the government, or more realistically, in case of a zombie attack…
No problem Anna, you don’t want to shoot… just know when the zombie times come, you’ll need a demonstrable skill if you want to be in my zombie survival group.
To: Group
From: Megan
Subject: Re:In case we need to overthrow the government, or more realistically, in case of a zombie attack…
I am definitely in. And I think it’s looking bad for Anna during the zombie apocalypse.
To: Group
From: Anna
Subject: Re:In case we need to overthrow the government, or more realistically, in case of a zombie attack…
I’ll do just fine as long as I stick with you guys.
To: Group
From: Allison
Subject: Re:In case we need to overthrow the government, or more realistically, in case of a zombie attack…
Well, this is awkward…. Anna, I love you, I really do, but the zombie apocalypse is a very serious matter, and if your not even gonna try to learn a useful zombie survival skill, I’m not sure if we’ll be able to share our resources with you. You can do something besides shooting, this just makes me question how committed you are to surviving.
Allison, Jeff and I were the ones who ended up going
Well, us and Allison’s date – a serious hunter who owns multiple guns
Which is hilarious if you’ve been paying attention,
Megan
In Case We Need To Overthrow The Government, Or More Realistically, In Case Of A Zombie Attack…
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
HA. I love how Anna assumed the rest of the group would cover her ass while the zombies were attacking!
I also really want to learn how to shoot. Range fees around here are a bit spendy though, so I haven’t yet bit the bullet. (PUN!)
I love the puns.
And that’s why we did it – there was a huge deal on range fees!
That’s why it’s good to own a barn. You know, free target practice.
Though I suppose you also need to have little regard for your barn.
I am fully prepared for the coming zombie apocalypse. Unless Anna picks up some skills quick, she is also unwelcome in my pack.
Shrewd move by Allison in abandoning her standards all together and deciding to date the gun crazy hunter right before the coming onslaught. Also, nice of her to make sure you guys get trained since she is obviouly already taken care of (thanks, of course, to her weak hold on dating integrity).
So sad about Anna. She will be missed.
Btw, Lindsey is welcome to join my pack as long as she provides her own transportation and parking / towing funds.
Haha- to be fair, I didn’t say *I* wouldn’t date someone with guns- just that its a fair thing to consider an irreconsilable difference. That being said, clearly I will do anything to survive the zombies.
Allison is clearly the smartest of us all.
Now if only a Navy Seal or something would ask me out, I’d have a zombie apocalypse advantage.
And you can’t have Lindsey – I called Lindsey years ago, and shall have to have her pried out of my dead fingers.
Oh yeah, I’m that creepily into Lindsey. It worries her too.
I learned how to grow my own food from seeds this summer in preparation for the American infrastructure to collapse or the zombie apocalypse. Whichever comes first. It’s comforting to know others are thinking ahead as well.
Silly – the zombie apocalypse is going to instigate the American infrastructure collapse. Or the other way around. We don’t know yet.
Heehee! Allison IS a hypocrite! (But in a very cute, endearing way.)
Cute, endearing hypocrites are my friend types, so it works out perfectly!
I think it’s wise to look for skills in a mate that you yourself are lacking. Clearly Allison is showing her dedication to fending of zombie attacks by thinking in the same vein.
BTW, I am an excellent shot with a shotgun. I should get to lead a squadron or something.
A shotgun?
I’m clearly quite unfamiliar with guns, but doesn’t that just send out a wide spray of buckshot?
I mean, can that take down a zombie?
‘Cause when choosing a weapon, that is the most important factor.
If Anna is not going to shoot the zombies, then someone should direct her to a sword. something strong but light enough to swing quickly so she can chop off zombie heads.
We can’t direct her path – if she wants to make the zombie survival group cut, she’ll have to act herself.
Though I love the idea of a sword. I might have to look into that for myself.
(No one is safe.)
Damn! I have to get ready for Christmas AND a zombie attack. Will the things that I have do to never end?
Make it a zombie Christmas.
Half the work.
Twice the snacks.
My daughter, who wouldn’t (and probably isn’t physically capable) of even hurting a fly has expressed an interest in learning to shoot. NOW I know it’as about the zombies. Thank you for clearing this up.
Well, yeah.
Any action that seems unexplainable can probably be traced back to zombies.
It’s a law of nature.
I know I didn’t come with you, but I’ve been shooting once before, so I can still be in your zombie survival group, right?
Well, I don’t know… I think we’re going to need proof of proficiency first.
You are so funny! I’m at true WV girl and actually own a gun! My country gal know-how may come in handy when we are all attacked by zombies. I want to be in your survival group!!! LoL
Own a gun? Live in a bordering state? Awesome?
You’re in.
I hope you’re willing to sacrifice your family.
That’s probably going to come up.
So many people are preparing themsevles for the advent of the zombie apocalypse. This worries me. Who’s going to be my zombie fodder now?
You need to find some poor-zombie-prepared friends.
It’s a sacrifice they’re going to have to make.
Oh man, I think this may be my favorite post ever.
The zombie apocalypse is no laughing matter. I wonder if building fires would be a life saving skill…but not to take any chances.
Building fires is definitely an important skill… though could possibly alert the near-by zombies to your location, so you might want a back-up.
Favorite post ever! The husband and I discuss the zombie apocalypse all the time (I have been informed that I am a liability and will be left behind). Clearly I need to go to the range to prove my worthiness.
Man, you need to get yourself a gun!
Or an equally useful zombie skill… like tomahawk throwing.
you have the most perfect group of friends. you all make total sense to one another.
Are you suggesting we don’t make sense to other people?
‘Cause zombie apocalypse!
That’s international language, right there.
Hey Megan!! I love your blog! I’m sitting in a Starbucks reading this right now, I’m sure looking like a complete weirdo staring at my screen and chuckling to myself occasionally. At least, that’s what I’m going for.
Ima definitely come back to visits you, and I will endure your presence at my blog too, if you must drop by. (note the carefully maintained indifference) Student. 21. Lima, Peru. That’s the short version. Cya here or there!
OOh – carefully maintained indifference?
I’m drawn in by the mystery.
Clearly this is the start of a beautiful friendship.
Ahem…typed that web address in wrong before. (2 comments? tacky…tacky…)
Never, never fear the tacky.
The tacky is your friend.
oh my gosh, i’m such a wuss and scared to shoot guns, for real! those emails are hilarious though. good to know you have friends that really care!
This is hilarious. Makes me wonder if my friends would learn to shoot for me, or if they’d simply expect me to “handle” the zombies for them. Pretttttty sure I’ll be sending an inquiring email tomorrow…
That’s what my blog is here for – to make sure people are clear now on their zombie group obligations. It’s important knowledge to have.
I don’t think I’ll be joining your survival group as driving into the crowded Northern Virginia area would be the stupidest F’ing thing that I could do in such a situation. Also, I assume that the highways will turn into fields of overturned, flaming cars.
I should, though, start thinking about forming my own group down here. I’ve always hung back when my friends go shooting; it’s never been my thing. I guess I’ll be the close-range attack guy carrying a machete, cricket bat or much more likely, a skillet.
Also, this is my favorite of your posts, ever.
Actually, if you’ve read cracked, everyone will be pouring into the country, so more urban areas aren’t bad places to be, once the initial outbreak has subsided.
Also, I hope you use a pot lid to do your zombie fighting. (Anyone? Lindsey?)
Man – that’s what happens when friends live far apart. We’re in different zombie survival groups.
Tragic.
Since I have no demonstrable zombie apocalypse skills, maybe I’ll try and escape into the Alaskan tundra on a moose and live amongst the caribou. I figure it’ll take the zombies a couple of months to get that far north.
When every second counts, Anna’s totally going to be dead weight during the Zombie Apocalypse.
Yes – that is why we’ll be leaving her behind, with heavy hearts but fast feet.