Best of Fates

Lots of delicious pirate cupcakes

Traditional pirate adventures might involve finding a buried treasure or instigating a mutiny or trying to discover the cure for scurvy.

Or so history would lead us to believe.

But the truth is, real pirates had far greater, dare I saw more awkward, adventures.

1. Pirates Discovering a Mermaid

While most pirates pretended to be in the pirate game for the money, it’s well known (source pending) that they all truly became pirates in hopes of one day meeting a mermaid.

(Manatees need not apply.)

This is also a useful thing to know when dueling with a pirate, given that shouting, “hey, look at that rather attractive mermaid sunning herself behind you!” is always guaranteed to have the pirate turning around.

This will give you just enough time to jump overboard and swim to safety.

(Before employing such a maneuver, please first verify you know how to swim.)

(Or have a handy supply of floaties.)

A single delicious pirate cupcake

2. Pirates Staging an On-Ship Production of The Pirates of Penzance

Deep within every pirate, there is an actor.

And deep within every actor, there is a love of Gilbert and Sullivan.

And deep within every Gilbert and Sullivan lover, there is an adoration of tenderhearted pirates.

And thus the circle continues.

Until the play is interrupted by cannon-fire from your pirate archenemy.

Then there’ll be an extended intermission.

Which can be quite a relief, ’cause comic operas can last quite a bit.

Delicious pirate cupcake, the aftermath

3. Pirates Finding a Laminated Copy of the Odyssey

Within buried treasure there’s a hierarchy of booty.

For example, everyone wants to find a crown.

‘Cause crowns are cool.

But nobody wants to find a scepter.

‘Cause scepters seem cool at first.

But after a good twenty minutes, you’ve run out of people to beat and places to pound them in emphasis.

Yet the greatest buried treasure find is a laminated copy of Homer’s The Odyssey.

Pirates can easily relate to Odysseus’ trials and tribulations and really need a good story to get into during those non-windy lulls.

The lamination requirement has arisen ever since it became pirate tradition to throw grog on any pirate found reading.

This list was provided as enticement to read The Pirates! in an Adventure with Napoleon by Gideon Defoe.

I mainly purchased the book because of the author’s description on the back flap, but I finally got around to reading it this weekend and I truly can’t express how hilarious it is.

But I shall try, through quoting a giant squid suicide note.

To whom it may concern,

I cannot go on any longer. I know people think us giant squids are just unfathomable monsters of the deep, but we have feelings too. And it is time the world learned the terrible truth. For several years now the Pirate Captain and I have been carrying on an illicit affair. Many times I have asked the Pirate Captain to do right by me, but he refuses, always telling me that he cannot be seen having a relationship with a giant squid because of the harm it would do to his public image. Also, sometimes he hits me. Anyhow, just yesterday I discovered I was pregnant with the Pirate Captain’s secret love child! I told the Pirate Captain about this and he flew into a rage and said he would never help support his half-squid/half-pirate progeny and then he hit me some more. So now I am going to commit suicide by beaching myself. 

Goodbye, cruel world

The Giant Squid

Arrgh,

Megan

Tagged as: Book reviews by someone who doesn't know what they're talking about

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