I’m just as strange in real life

What. Was. That.

I don’t swear.

(I have nothing against swearing, to be clear.)

(Just, personally, it makes me feel like a small child trying to be shocking and thus always ends with awkwardness and shame.)

(I find myself too awkward and/or lazy for most grown-up requirements.)

(But this isn’t a post about my power being shut off, so let’s move on.)

Yet, despite my resistance towards cursing, when I’ve been spending a rather lot of time with a person who swears, I find myself swearing in my head.

And it turns out, I’m easily influenced when it comes to things a little more disturbing than bad language.

I recently started obsessively watching Dexter.

(My mom pays for Showtime.)

(It’s quite the boon to my not-having-a-television life.)

And, Deb (Dexter’s sister), well, she swears quite a lot.

(On a side note, the actor who plays Deb, over the course of the show, married and divorced the actor that plays Dexter. Sometimes that’s all I can think about while watching their close-knit sibling relationship scenes. All the awkward, is what I’m saying.)

But swearing is not the biggest influence Dexter is having on my psyche.

For yesterday, at work, I was walking down the hallway to the bathroom when I passed by the head of my company.

She smiled at me and I smiled back while panicked and thinking “she wouldn’t smile if she knew the truth.”

The truth?

That just went through my brain as though it’s an average fact about my life?

Is my being a serial killer.

Which, to be clear, I am not.

(Pinky swear.)

It’s probably in my best interest that Dexter just aired its series finale.

I’m not sure my brain could handle it for much longer.

Also

That show should have ended with the season 4 finale

If you were wondering my opinion,

Megan

Then I Was Mind Pressured Into Murder (Aka, Farewell Dexter)

{ 14 comments }

It's possible I'm not cut out for plant ownership.

Last night I dreamed I was in a store and came across a Jessica Fletcher version of Clue. And then I had a huge debate with myself over purchasing said most-amazing-thing-ever, as I feared someone would have already bought it for me.

I woke up this morning to a world with no Lansbury-esque board games.

(Life is rough.)

Nobody knows this more than Maurice.

Maurice is my new plant.

Also, my dad’s old plant.

Only my dad has warped Maurice and now he can’t stand up on his own, so I must lean him against my kitchen doorway, except when I forget and brush into him and then Maurice reclines throughout my entryway.

Other exciting sights you might have noticed within my entryway include trash (to be taken out whenever I manage to remember it’s trash day, so roughly once a month), a vacuum that should have been put away after use a week ago, and behind that my weedwacker.

Which would be put away except it already is, as it lives there.

(I’m not great at home organization.)

My friends don't support my murder dreams. (Today on the blog.)

But recent disappointments in my life aren’t entirely Clue or plant based, but rather on a rather tepid reaction from my friends about what I was confident was a brilliant perfect murder plan.

From: Megan

To: Skye, Allison, Jeff, & Lindsey

Subject: BRILLIANT REALIZATION OF THE MOMENT

The ideal crime? Literally throwing someone under a bus. Because then everyone will skim the news articles and be like, meh, person I don’t know betrayed someone else, what’s new in cat news? And without Internet attention, Nancy Grace won’t care. And then they probably won’t even have a trial. And then we all win. Except the person I murdered.

Yet, the anticipated reaction, of people sending balloons and a congratulations cake (or at least a photo representation of such) were sadly dashed.

From: Skye

To: All

Subject: Re: BRILLIANT REALIZATION OF THE MOMENT

First of all, I’m…slightly concerned about this revelation.

Second, you don’t think the Internet would explode with throwing under the bus puns/jokes? And why no trial?

WHERE IS THE JOY FOR ME, SKYE?

From: Megan

To: All

Subject:  Re: BRILLIANT REALIZATION OF THE MOMENT

I mean, have a little faith Skye, I would never throw you under a bus. And the pun explosion could happen only if you first understood I literally threw someone under a bus, which, given the liberal use of the word literally, seems debatable.

Lack of precise use of language is this generation’s get out of jail free card.

Maybe. (Is all I’m saying.)

And I just figured we’re at a point where our court systems mainly follow the whims of pundit TV.

Exactly.

From: Allison

To: All

Subject:  Re: BRILLIANT REALIZATION OF THE MOMENT

Sounds awesome – though I do agree with Skye, I think the story could become that someone threw someone under the bus by THROWING THEM UNDER A BUS. And you’ve already established you’d poison Skye so you didn’t have to go out, so I think it’s fair of her to check.

Allison’s lack of faith hurts.

(Though she has a fair point about my willingness to murder Skye.)

From: Jeff

To: All

Subject:  Re: BRILLIANT REALIZATION OF THE MOMENT

Megan thinks about murder a lot. I’m glad i’m on her good side.

I’m on your good side, right?

Always, Jeff.

Though my response would be more heartfelt if you’d been happier for me and my brilliant plan.

As usual

I didn’t ask permission from my friends about taking their emails

And posting them online

Or warn them

So if you see them at Harris Teeter

Just play it cool

Okay?

Megan

I Need Friends Who Don’t Mock My Perfect Murder Dreams

{ 4 comments }

Making videos, to one day come to a blog near you.

  • I’ve decided to do a short series of videos. I shot a few this past weekend with Lindsey. There was much awkwardness to be had. I’m sharing this with you so I don’t chicken out and hide them on my external hard drive and then block out the memory. (You know it’s embarrassing when I’m hesitant to share it with the world.)

 

  • A few weeks ago I sat down two of my friends and suggested they throw me an intervention. Mainly because I love banners and surprise, not-very-fun parties, but also because I’ve started constantly eating which may or may not be related to my really-rather-well-thought-out habit of repressing my emotions. Anyway, no intervention has since happened and now I’m in the position of probably having to throw my friends an Too-Lazy-To-Throw-Interventions intervention. We’re circling the rabbit hole over here, is all I’m saying.

 

  • Speaking of laziness, last night I had a dream in which I murdered Skye. Which I almost completely forgot, but then Allison gchatted me this morning to say she’d had a dream Skye dumped her boyfriend. Which was both completely fortuitous and maybe also a sign we both spend too much time subconsciously thinking of Skye. Anyway, since I’m now in a habit of sharing my personal, not-terribly-interesting Allison conversations with the world, enjoy.

Allison: I had a terrible dream last night
Skye and Justin broke up before this summer
and so we couldn’t set him up w Mike!

me: OMG
I”D COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN
UNTIL YOU JUST SAID SOMETHING
but I had a dream last night
in which I murdered Skye

Allison: hahahahahaha
bad night for her
I mean, mine wasn’t actually so bad for her, more for Justin’s soul mate
how’d you do it?

me: poison
also?
the reason?
was I didn’t want to go out that night
we had theatre tickets
and I was like
ugh
don’t feel like it
but right after
I felt really, really bad
and then someone went into her room to wake her up
and she totally got up
and I was like, woah, Skye’s immune to poison
though i figured
maybe it was still working
but she used her inhailer and I was like, poison antedote!
it was really strange

Allison: hahahaha
awesome
good to know you’ll kill someone for laziness

me: I know, right?
worst reason to kill someone ever
seriously
it was crazy

Allison: lol
eh, I mean, you were tired
and didn’t want to go out
and obviously a fight would have been lot of work
poison you dont have to listen to her complain about it
hahahaha
how was Costco?

me: hahaha
as if you don’t know the answer to that
I didn’t go
you know
the murderous laziness

  • The other night I brought my dad over to my new place. I can’t remember why, I was probably forcing him into some manual labor, but I was driving and he said it’d be great to see how I got there – give him a good idea of the best route to take. Long story short, I took the wrong road, then took about ten minutes to realize it, then drove around lost for a while. I’m blaming the Canadians.

In case it wasn’t clear during the Allison conversation

Mike is an 0ut-of-town friend

Who would be an ideal BFF for Justin

At least

According to us

They seem less than interested

In our friendship machinations

Though I can’t imagine why,

Megan

I Murdered Skye & Then Got Lost (Awkward Glimpses of Now)

{ 9 comments }